Monday, November 3, 2008
So this thrombophilia makes me more prone to clotting which means that is probably the reason my little embryos won't implant correctly - which the heparin would supposedly fix. However - pregnancy is a "pro-thrombotic" state anyway - meaning that anyone is more prone to clotting when they are pregnant, even without thrombophilia. Now, the question I pose to my doctor is WHY would I want to enter a pro-thrombotic state such as pregnancy if I am already pro-thrombotic??? He says "don't worry about it, you'll be on heparin - no problem."
He can't understand my worry. Maybe as a nurse I've seen too much. I have seen people die from pulmonary embolus (blood clot to the lungs) which is the #1 worry. I've also seen people die from bleeding to death from heparin.
So you see my dilemma..........
Anyway - I'm not making any decisions now. I want a second opinion from an actual hematologist, an expert per se. I have an appt with hematology later this month after all my results are in to discuss with this expert physician (who mind you will NOT benefit monetarily from my next cycle.....) to see if he thinks it would be too risky to try and get pregnant. Not that I think my doctor would risk my life to make money.....but the truth is that I work in healthcare.....physicians do get upset when their patients die. But you know what??? When a patient dies, they say "man, that's too bad, I feel horrible, I wish things were different, yada yada yada......" and they MOVE ON to the next patient. So, truthfully, it wouldn't matter that much to him if I died. I am just another patient. That sounds cold - but that's reality.
I HAVE TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF AND BE MY OWN VOICE.
So - the funny thing is, that I am at peace with possibly not doing another cycle and moving on to adoption, etc..... I've always wanted to adopt anyway, even if I could carry a baby.....and this situation has made me realize that I don't want to die. I want to live and raise a family and be an old grandmother with lots of grandkids running around. I don't want to be the heroic 32 year old that died trying to get pregnant. I'd rather be the old grandmother who adopted a bunch of kids and gave them the most loving home possible and is now rewarded with a house full of beautiful grandkids.
I will keep my mind open though in case the hemotologist says the risk is minimal and I should try another cycle. BUT - if he says there is increased risk (and as my infertility doctor says: "all pregnancies are risky anyway"), I will peacefully give up fertility treatments and either search for a surrogate to carry my frozen embryo's, or donate my embryos ----- or adopt, which again I want to do someday anyway.
So, that is what I know for now.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
In the meantime (my groceries are melting while I type this......) here's a link to a contest I entered - I would ask that you click the link and vote for me!!! It's only a click of the mouse and you can vote once a day.
thanks a million
Friday, October 10, 2008
Lab work includes:
Antiphospholipid Antibody Panel (which includes the following):
3. Lupus Anti-Coagulant
4. Anti-Beta2 Glycoprotein
Thrombophilia Panel (which includes the following):
1. Antithrombin Activity
3. Factor V Leiden Coag
4. PAI-1 Activity
5. Protein C Activity
6. Protein S Activity
Sperm DNA Fragmentation.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Today was my HCG level after my second IVF.......the result was 0.1 which means not pregnant by a long shot.
So anyway, I see my doctor tomorrow to discuss what to do now. I spoke with him on the phone today and he said since my embryos are all "perfect" and my lining was "perfect" and my labwork was "perfect" both times......that now he needs me to do some testing to find out why I can't implant ("get pregnant"). Testing for thrombophelia, killer cells, etc...... We'll talk more tomorrow.
So.....now I am walking down a little longer infertility road than I thought I'd be walking down. I thought that we could bypass the low sperm count and the PCOS by doing the IVF.....putting the little embryos right where they need to be......but now it turns out I am a little more broken than I thought I was and I can't seem to get my embryos to implant even when everything is "perfect."
Oddly enough....I think I'm doing ok mentally. Sure it sucks, sure I'm sad........but I feel even more confident that some way, some day, some how I will have my babies. Whether I carry them, whether we adopt them, whether I use a surrogate.......(a work friend offered to be my surrogate today - it was one of the most awesome things anyone has ever said to me)........I know that the road to my kids is just a little longer and more complicated than some (and I'm sure less complicated than some). It's just that.....it's my road and I have to walk it and figure it out. But I know that some how in the future - I will have my kids.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Re-starting BCP tonight (woo hoo) and then my endometrial biopsy is scheduled for Friday 9-5 and my first ultrasound/labs are scheduled for Friday 9-12. So that's not too far away...I guess I didn't screw it up too much. ha ha!
So tired right now...too tired to post...been at work since 7am (it's now 9pm)...I'm gonna take my MaggieDog and snuggle in bed and call it quits for the night.
Catch up with everything later - goodnight.
Friday, August 15, 2008
So....my appt today was to set up the cycle, order meds, sign consents, have my mock transfer and my endometrial biopsy. However, as I was preparing for the cycle by gathering up all my meds I noticed that my Birth Control Pills are not the right count. I have a week too many left. Where I should have only had 5 pills left as of today I had 12 pills. WTF??? I got out my calendar and my pill container (I admit...I use the old people pill containers to keep all my meds straight) and I know that I took my BCP this last week because I have a BCP in today's section and it's time to refill my pill container again for the week. And I know that I took the pills starting the Wednesday the end of July when I started AF. So....I must have missed the first week of August. I must not have put the pills in my pill container for the week - so I can't believe it - I missed a WHOLE WEEK of BCP's!!!
Possibly what happened is that the first week of August I had to increase my Synthroid because my TSH was not low enough and instead of getting a new Rx (I had a ton of 100mcg tabs left) I just added a 50mcg tab in addition to my 100mcg tab. My new 50mcg tab is little and white just like my BCP so I wonder if when I was filling my pill containers (like I'm 90 years old...) I saw the 50mcg Synthroid and my brain thought it was my BCP. Who knows...I can't believe I didn't notice for a whole week!
My med regimen is:
Metformin ER 5oomg tabs- 2 tabs every morning and 2 tabs every evening
Synthroid 150mcg daily (taking 1oomcg tab and 50mcg tab)
Aspirin 81mg daily
Toprol XL 50mg daily
Primacare ONE prenatal vitamin daily
LoEstrin FE BCPs Daily
So while that is only 6 different meds...it is a grand total of 10 pills a day.
And what really makes it hard to believe that I missed a week is that I have been so super careful about not missing any doses of anything and trying to do everything just perfect...I can't believe I did that!
So needless to say, everything got cancelled today for my cycle start up. Bummer. So I was told to stop the pill today, wait until AF starts again, then call in to re-set everything up AND go back on the pill for a month again.
So maybe a July baby instead of a June baby...... :P
Thursday, August 14, 2008
I recently read this book/saw the film called "The Secret." You may have seen the Oprah episode featuring this...if not click the link. The website is kind of hocus pocus but the the book/movie is pretty good. I think I am going to try to keep to their teaching of positive thinking and the law of attraction with this IVF cycle. Instead of saying things like "if it works" and "my next try," I'm going to stop that negative type of speaking and say things like "when it works."
It's crazy how wierd and unnatural it feels to be so optimistic.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Now...let me give you a little background. This friend has gone through "infertility treatments" before to have her first daughter. I put "infertility treatments" in quotes because she only did one round of clomid and got pregnant. That was 4 years ago. I realize this is technically an infertility treatment...but it is no where to the extent that many of us have had to endure. I don't think it comes anywhere near multiple IUI's or IVF's.
Anywhoo... she was very supportive during my IVF earlier this year. She even brought me food during my bedrest time, gave me shots when I needed them....she is a great friend and I love her. I just don't think that she has a clue what I am going through. (Otherwise she wouldn't have asked me to touch her belly....).
By the way.....I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it.
I thought for sure I could, but I couldn't....... and I'm even planning on throwing her a baby shower...no problem with that, I just can't believe that I couldn't touch that moving little baby inside her belly. When she asked me to and started to move closer to me - I instantly felt extremely anxious inside and I could feel the tears welling up. If I had felt that little baby move...I think the waterworks would have started. Not because I'm not happy for her and not because I don't think she should be pregnant or anything.....she's a good person, her hubby's a good person and their little girl is great. I'm glad she's pregnant and is having a great life. I truly am glad for her. Really. I wish nothing but the best for her and her family.
I do have to say that it did really upset me though when she first found out she was pregnant and was constantly complaining to me about things that just really are small in the big picture. Such as: not being able to get her personal best time in the marathon she was going to run, and also about how nauseous she was feeling and about the fact that she was "bummed out" that she was having another girl instead of a boy like she wanted. Oh my gosh...I would literally cut off my leg (I'm not joking) to be pregnant. She was very sensitive about telling me that she was pregnant (she did it in private). However, I thought she would have been a little more sensitive about all the other issues. I guess I probably wasn't very sensitive to people dealing with infertility issues until I went through it myself either...you just don't understand unless you've been there.
I've never said anything to her because she's sensitive and I care about her WAY too much to ever hurt her feelings. I just listen and empathize...there have been times when a bunch of us will be talking and it was too much and I had to get up and leave. I would just say I had work to do....I just have to get away from pregnancies and babies sometimes.
It's not just her...sometimes I just need a break from all the pregnancies, the babies, the baby pictures, the planning, the kids in church and in the stores that I see and sometimes start spontaneously crying because of. I just can't believe how much infertility hurts right down deep to the core of your soul. You try to put on a brave face and listen to the pregnancy stories and hold those babies.....but sometimes it's just too much and you need a little sensitivity in return. Even from those who don't and can not understand. Even those people....sometimes just need to be a little extra sensitive because the world of infertility SUCKS big-time.
So.......I just couldn't bring myself to touch my friend's belly today.....I hope I didn't hurt her feelings. (Maybe I'll tell her why tomorrow....I'm worrried I hurt her feelings).
Friday, July 25, 2008
Saw my doctor again today (just for a check up pap) - he's not a Reproductive Endocrinologist as I see from most blogs is very popular to go to. (We don't even have a RE around my area - I don't think). Anyway, he started out as an OB-GYN and branched off into IF treatments early on. He's been practicing medicine for around 40 years....I do have a lot of trust in him, which is good.
So, I went in for my follow up pap but ended up talking about my next IVF cycle mostly. So here's the plan:
1. Start Birth Control Pills with my next period (which I was taken off of because of thrombophlebitis and the risk of DVT).
2. Start an 81mg Aspirin daily starting today because of the risk of DVT.
3. Increase Glucophage from 1000mg daily to 1000mg twice daily.
4. Call when I get my period to set up the mock transfer, set up cycle appt and endometrial biopsy for 2-3 weeks after period starts. (He's been reading research that says an Endometrial Biopsy the month before IVF will help increase implantation rates by ready-ing the endometrial lining).
5. Then hopefully I will be ready to start stimulation injections in late August/early September.
Weirdly I was kind of dreading this appt to talk about things. I think after the disappointment earlier this year I was just feeling almost a sense of dread about doing IVF again. Feeling like everything was going to be a big disappointment again. BUT - weirdly - I am feeling really hopeful about this cycle. I'm not near as nervous as I was last time because I know what to expect. I feel oddly optimistic.
Oh....also, we have 6 embryo's frozen from the first IVF cycle. We chose to go another fresh round this time as we do get some help from hubby's insurance for up to 3 cycles. (It does not pay for everything - so please don't hate me - but it does help out quite a bit). Anything's better than nothing right??? But it will only help for 3 cycles. So we talked with my doctor and he said he would recommend a fresh cycle since we have some financial help....and also since our frozen embryo's don't look that hot. (We have 3 good and 3 not so good frozen). Possibly enough for one frozen transfer in the future. (He said the total cost of a frozen transfer/FET would be about $2000 - which as you all know is WAY better than the $10,000-$15,000 for a fresh cycle). So if we are going to pay 100% of something it would be smarter to pay 100% of $2,000 than 100% of $10,000-$15,000.
That's the plan......so I didn't lose all the weight I wanted to before this cycle. (I lost a bunch and then gained about half of it back - kind of got depressed and fell off the wagon). But, hopefully that won't have too much of an effect on this cycle.
Thanks in advance for all the support.
Feeling "cautiously optimistic."
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Anyway, tomorrow is my 31st birthday. You would have thought that 30 would have been my "big" birthday and if I was going to feel bad that I would have felt it last year....but no. Thirty to me was not a big deal. No problem. No biggie. But for some reason, I am dreading saying that I'm 31. Why you ask? I don't know. I know it's not "old" - and besides that I'm not afraid of getting "old." I have no issues with age. My problem (I think) is that of what I have not accomplished yet that I feel I need to have accomplished by now.
So my list of accomplishments.... hmmmm.....
1. Good marriage. check.
2. Good family and good family relationships. check.
3. Good education. check.
4. Good job - even one where I help people. check, check.
5. Good house - get to keep the family farmhouse going. check. check.
6. Good dog. check.
7. Good friend(s). check.
Sounds pretty good when I list it out like that. So why feel depressed?
Here are my things I wish I could say I have done......
8. Have kids in enough time so that my parents (who are 57 and 72) can enjoy them. ummm...no check yet on that one.
9. Go to medical school so I can help people even more. umm...definately no check there, now I'm way too old to do that (especially if I want to have kids!)
10. Make a difference in the world. nope, no check there.
11. Volunteer. nope.
12. Build a habitat for humanity home. nada checks here.
13. Go on a missions trip and make a difference in another part of the world. no checks yet.
14. Help in a national disaster. Nope.
15. Again, have kids, lots of kids...and help them become awesome people. nope again.
So......I guess that's the root of my feeling depressed. I feel like I have given nothing to the world. Not being able to have babies only adds to that feeling of not contributing. At least if I had my own family, I would feel like I was making an impact by helping my kids grow up to be great people. But no, can't even do that. I know, I know, I'm throwing myself a pitty party (a pitty birthday party).
I just feel like I have done nothing to change or impact anyone else's life in a good way. I hate that feeling. I have this deep burning desire in me to change someone's life, to help someone, anyone, anyway, to have a better life. I've done nothing except help myself have a better life - which has only left me feeling empty and alone.
So why not change you ask? Good question. Why not get off your fat ass and do something? Another good question. Maybe I'll do that....maybe I'll dedicate my 30's to helping other people. That'll be my birthday present to myself. I'll give my 30's away and focus on goals 8-15.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
So after taking his picture, I was inspired to take some more pictures of my flowers. Now little did I realize that this picture taking excursion (initiated because of a cute little frog on the side of my house) would take me through an insightful, zen-like lesson.
I took the following picture:
The lesson? I did not even realize until after taking the picture and looking at it on my camera that there was a spider on that flower. Can you imagine? I looked right at that flower and took it's picture and did not even see that spider that was right in front of my face...not until the camera made me look and focus only on that particular flower and nothing else did I see the spider in front of my face.
Then I got to thinking about life...and that maybe I should not always try and look at the entire big picture all the time, planning always years in advance...causing frustration and worry and pain...maybe sometimes, I should slow down and look at the little pieces of life, each as it's own seperate piece, and see what I may be missing out on. Maybe there's a lot I'm not seeing because I'm trying to see everything. I'd hate to think I'm missing out on some of the little joys in life. Just like I missed the spider that I was looking directly at and didn't see.
So then I found some more bugs on my flowers to take pictures of (I like bugs and frogs, I know I'm wierd...I think they are cute).
Here are just some more flower pictures (sans bugs):
A view of the barn (needs fixing up...but that's expensive and will have to wait until next year or so):
A view of the cozy backyard:
A view of the front yard where the "coyote incident" happened:
Behind the garden is a "big garden" of G's where he planted lots of corn and pumpkins and gourds (the dirt area before the field - we don't plant the field).
And lastly, one Maggie-dog looking scornfully out the window at me because she wasn't invited outside this time! (really, I just caught her w/her eyes closed...but she does look scornful don't you think?)
Friday, June 27, 2008
This morning though, we had a pretty scary experience. I got up early this morning (early for me on my day off - late if I was working). Anyhow, I got up and got ready because I wanted to go grocery shopping and get things put away before meeting my friend for lunch. So G works third shift...as I'm going out to let Maggie out to potty, he's outside, just home from work looking at our flowers, garden, etc. So me and Maggie dog go over to the garden with him and are looking around...Maggie is staying close by (she's behaving much better these days...) when we look up and what do we see just about 50 feet or less away standing in our yard and looking right at us/Maggie?????
That's right! A BIG SCARY COYOTE!!!!!!! I about peed my pants thinking he was going to eat Maggie right in front of us. Clearly he must cross through the yard into the field regularly...and he looked as surprised to see us as we were to see him. I looked at Maggie and she had her eyes fixed on him...I was so scared she would take off running at him like she does when she sees squirrels, birds, chipmunks....really anything so far. She has even barked and went towards big deer before. But not this time....I think maybe she recognized the danger...she just stood there and didn't make a peep....it felt like about an hour passed before I got to her (it could only have been a few seconds though, she was just about 6 feet away from me - but time was moving frame by frame...). Anyway, I kept saying in my most calm voice possible, "Maggie, stay, Maggie, stay...." Either that worked, or she knew that the big scary Coyote was not one to mess with, because she never let out a peep and she stood still. His big mangy silver/gray face just stared at us, he had piercing eyes. I scooped her up in my arms and then the Coyote ran towards the woods. He stopped about every hundered feet or so and looked back at us and just stared. I was surprised at how not-scared of us he was....that's pretty scary. I hope I never get any closer to him than that ever.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
We left Maggie inside because she's such a pain in the butt outside lately - she chases EVERYTHING - it doesn't even have to be alive and she chases it. ~Butterflies, Squirrels, Chimpmunks and Robins are among her favorites...but she will also chase leaves that blow across the lawn and those little white cotton-ish floaties in the air this time of year....The big problem with her is that when she is chasing something - her ears don't seem to function. It's like her little brain is only powerful enough to support one function at a time. Either she listens OR she runs. She can't possibly listen AND run - that would be way too complicated. The front yard is really close to the road and I have a monster of a time trying to keep her safe unless I have her tied up (which we have enough trees - lawn furniture - etc - that she is always getting *stuck* when she's tied up - then she looks at me with that pitiful little mom come help me look and I have to stop what I'm doing and go untangle her - only to have her re-tangled in 1-2 minutes time). So I love her bunches, but I didn't have it in me to deal with her today while putting newspaper and straw on the garden.
So anyway, *G and I rented movies last night. The Pursuit of Happyness and Into the Wild. We haven't watched The Pursuit of Happyness yet but watched Into the Wild last night - I LOVED it. If you haven't seen it, it's definitely worth renting.
I left the case for the rented DVD on the coffee table last night - so this morning - little miss Maggie dog must have been really ticked off that she had to stay inside while we were obviously having SUCH FUN outside in the garden (in the 90 degree heat/humidity and she was in the air-conditioned house) that this is what I found when I came inside.
The DVD case I found on the floor open and upside down like this:
It's possible that I just may own this movie now... good thing I liked it so much! We'll see after I try and return it - that should be an interesting conversation at Hollywood Video!
Also...the pieces that are missing - are still missing. I only found a couple of minuscule scraps of plastic - I think the actually ate and swallowed the rest of what's missing.
Here's the perpetrator now sitting on her window seat and eyeing up some chipmunks outside - plotting her next escape plan:
You know what though? No matter how much trouble she causes - I still love her with all my heart - I would NEVER want to be without her. She's a rotten dog - but a good friend.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Up close view of my columbine.
One of my perennials (can't remember the name).
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
But, on a fertility note, I was supposed to be on birth control all summer long (seems pretty silly when you think about giving a couple who can't have babies on their own birth-control....but I understand why he's doing it, to keep the uterine lining down to keep me ready for the next IVF, yada yada yada....). Anyway, I developed pain and warmth in my calf so my family MD wanted to rule out a DVT (blood clot in the deep veins of the leg) as this can be caused by birth control...I do not have a DVT (good) but I do have superficial thrombophlebitis (clots in the little veins near the surface of the leg (not so good).
SO.....now I can never take birth control again. Which is nice as I hate BCP's, but not so nice because now I'm worried about having a big hairy overgrown endometrium when it comes time to implant those little embryos this fall! Hopefully it won't be too junky in there.......I do have to do progesterone vaginal suppositories nightly on days 16-25 of each cycle throughout this summer - hopefully this will accomplish the same thing as the birth control.
the other sucky thing was that this happened on the first week of my pill pack...so when they told me to stop I had just had a period a week and a half-ish before that...well you know what you get when you stop birth control pills? Another period!
(I have such a lucky husband, don't you think? Two periods in a 2 week time period!) Lucky for him I don't get b*tchy, just really really sappy....... :)
Friday, May 30, 2008
OK, twist my arm...I'm brave enough I guess. Here are postings of my horrendus haircolor mishap. (mind you - my hair is usually a light brown/blonde with blonde highlights).
The view of my circus tent type stripes from the right side.
If I walked around on my knees all day so people would only be able to look at the top of my head - my hair wouldn't be so bad!
Anyway, going back to grovel to the regular hairstylist tomorrow to get it *fixed* - to grovel and beg :) and promise never to cheat on my hairdresser again.
I did give Miss Maggie-dog a bath though today and her hair looks GREAT! See----
Thursday, May 29, 2008
I don't understand how anyone could be involved in an accident and then leave the scene...these slimebags hit her and left her like she was nothing. They ran a flashing red light, hit her car and then fled the scene like a couple of pieces of shit that didn't even flinch or care that they injured (ultimately killed) another human being - whom was on her way to work to care for the sick herself. I can't even wrap my mind around this.
When I used to work in the ER as a nurse, I let a lot of things eat me up. I took a lot of fear home. I was always wondering if something was going to happen, if I'd ever see my loved ones again, if I made sure that all was well before leaving my loved ones because you never know.
I had to leave the ER because of that kind of thinking. It was eating me up inside. The trauma, the loss, the pain that people have to endure. I took care of many, many people who came into the ER not knowing when they got up that morning that that day would be their last day. I cared for them during the dying process which was not the worst part (you'd think that was the worst part, but it was not at all, talking to and seeing the families who's lives had suddenly changed forever was the worst part. The sound that someone makes when they are crying and grieving from the depths of their soul is a sound that haunts me, a sound I will never forget, and and sound that I pray I never have to make again in my life). The patients themselves, who were usually unconscious on arrival (but not always), were not as hard on the heart to take care of. I have been with a lot of people when they have passed on. I am telling you from experience, the exact moment when someone passes is always peaceful. It is always peaceful, even if all the moments leading up to it were anything but peaceful...the last moment always is. You can tell, just by looking at someone, when they are gone - even without looking at any monitors or anything. Their whole body changes the instant that their soul leaves. When someone dies, you can almost see their soul leave (not by seeing their soul per se, but by seeing the absence of their soul. Their body looks like a shell, an empty vessel). I have said many a prayer during the moments that I see this happen, when I see a body change from a person to just a body. I feel as if their soul is in the room, leaving to go to it's next journey, and I have said prayers during that time that their soul makes the transition smoothly and safely to it's next destination. And I swear to you, that I always feel this encompassing warmth in my chest/body when I do that...and I'm sure that it's because I'm feeling the brightness and love that has returned to that person's soul as they move on to the next stage. I feel blessed to have had these experiences as they helped me tremendously in the development of my own spirituality and beliefs.
I had a hard time functioning though while working in the ER. I had a hard time just existing in a "normal" life where people (friends and loved ones) get mad and yell and fight because I would always worry that it would be my last time seeing them and that would be their memories of me. It got to the point that I was experiencing significant anxiety and depression to the point that I was on antidepressants for awhile. That's what full-time in the ER did to me, it made me paranoid and anxious about being alive for the fear of death. Not just the fear of death but the fear of death without everything being 'perfect.' (I do realize that this is irrational, I realize that in the real world people have fights, people get mad, and sometimes that is the last memory but that does not mean that is the only memory. I know that, and I know that the 'last memory' per se is not of the importance that I'm giving it...I'm just lamenting on how twisted the ER made my mind when I spent so many hours there seeing so many unspeakable things).
This story, even though I didn't know Kim well, struck that same chord with me. I have been out of the ER since October 2004 now, but those same feelings are coming back. I can't help but think of how she didn't know when she got up that morning and got ready for work, checked in on her kids, said good-bye to her husband, got in her car to drive to work, that that was it...that was the last time...she didn't know. She didn't know.
Life is so fragile and scary and wonderful and yet we blunder through it like bulls in a china shop not caring who we step on to get what we want. Not caring how reckless we are with each other and our relationships. We take so much for granted every single day. We spend so much time, precious time, worrying about stupid stuff that we won't even remember worrying about in 5 days let alone in 5 years. But still we are willing to speak before we think and hurt others with our sharp tongues...we are willing to give the most of our time and the most of ourselves to the things that don't matter at all in the end. We are willing to sacrifice what is important in the end to what we think is important right now.
I recently read an awesome book called "Suzanne's diary for Nicholas" by James Patterson and in that book one of the main characters Suzanne states a lesson she learned while struggling through balancing a medical practice, and illness and being in love and losing love. She is told that life is like juggling 5 balls, those 5 balls are: work, family, friends, health and integrity. You work hard to keep them in the air at all times, but sometimes you are bound to slip up and let one fall. The work ball is made of rubber and will bounce back, however the balls for health, integrity, friends and family are made of glass and if dropped can scratch, chip or worse, they can shatter and may never be able to be repaired. I found this an enlightening lesson about prioritization regarding what is important in life. If you like to read at all, pick this book up, it's a great, great read. Very moving.
So, I guess you take things year by year, week by week, day by day, hour by hour and probably most importantly, moment by moment. Never look away from an unplanned opportunity to spend time with loved ones, even if it wasn't on your schedule for the day. I think that it's how we spend those little unplanned moments, those precious experiences, that builds our character and our memories and the quality of our lives. My mid-year's resolution (since I don't typically make new-year's resolutions) is to savor the moments in my life and be open to whatever opportunities they may bring, be it big or small. I want to live my life completely, I want to be completely worn-out and used-up when it comes time for my soul to pass on. I want there to be standing room only at my funeral.
So here's a prayer to Kim, that her soul is embraced in peace and love and understanding, and to Kim's family, that their hearts may heal one day from this horrible tragedy and they can remember their wife and mother and daughter in love and happiness and peace. I can tell from the love that surrounds Kim and her family now that her life was a life well-lived, and I bet that there will be standing room only at her funeral.
Peace to all.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
This is very exciting for me as I have been going to the same stylist since I have been about 15 years old...that is almost 16 years now! That's TOO long...she stopped listening to me a long time ago and my hair looks the same every time I go.
My hair is "ok" how it is now, it's just that I have been craving something kind of funky for a while, but my stylist now just keeps doing the same thing...
So...I'm going to someone new (I work with her sister and she has AWESOME hair, also some other people in my office go to her and they all have great hair...so I'm stoked).
I was thinking of choppy layers (I have naturally curly hair...so I'll keep a curly style because I don't want to flat iron every day) and I was thinking of some funky/chunky highlights/lowlights such as the pictures below. What does anyone think? (probably more like the second picture).
So imagine these with curly, piecy hair....would that look good????
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
*If you don't know what I'm talking about or why I'm posting this....please read the last 4 posts (posts dated from May 1st to May 6th) along with the associated comments - especially the comments from the unregistered users - on my blog and you will quickly understand why I feel so strongly about this and why I have decided to not accept non-registered comments anymore.
Anyway, I have been letting these "people" post their comments because I felt it was important to bring to light how incredibly racist and intolerant I'm discovering the world still is...however, I have made a decision that it is doing no good to anyone to leave these "people" post on my blog. It is not helping anyone at all...it is just bringing everyone who reads it down and the more we read and listen to that crap the more we infiltrate the Universe with negativity. So, in conclusion:
THIS BLOG OFFICIALLY DOES NOT TOLERATE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING CONTENT IN ANY COMMENTS LEFT BY ANYONE:
RACISM, BIGOTRY, HATE, RAGE, CLOSED-MINDEDNESS, ILL-WILL TOWARDS OTHERS, PREJUDICE OF ANY VARIETY INCLUDING PREJUDICE TOWARDS ANY RACE, SEX, SEXUAL ORIENTATION, CREED, RELIGION, ETHNICITY, AGE OR ANY OTHER VARIABLE.
I WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY COMMENTS THAT SHOW DELIBERATE HATE TOWARDS ANY HUMAN BEING, ANY SLANDEROUS REMARKS TO ANY INDIVIDUAL OR GROUP OF INDIVIDUALS, ANY COMMENT THAT IS HATEFUL OR CRUEL TOWARDS ANIMALS OR ANY LIVING THING, OR JUST ANY COMMENT IN GENERAL THAT DOES NOT PROMOTE PEACE AND LOVE TOWARDS OUR FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS, THE ANIMAL KINGDOM AND THIS PLANET WE WERE BLESSED WITH.
Any comment left on my blog containing any of the above negativity will be promptly deleted by myself...so if you plan on leaving hateful comments, don't waste your time.
So GOODBYE to all you hateful people who have been posting on my blog...I will look forward to reading my comments without feeling like the human race is going down the toilet...yes I know that you are all still out there, but that does not mean that my heart, mind and soul have to be polluted with your hate and rage anymore. I am done.
I do however, continue to look forward to the helpful, lovely and encouraging comments from my fellow bloggers - I love to read your blogs and leave/receive comments from you all. You have been especially helpful during all of my IVF and such...and I will need you even more in September when we go through our 2nd IVF.
Thanks again to all the GOOD people out there, all my bloggy friends, and GOODBYE to all the negative people and their closed little minds. Go pollute elsewhere.
I love people. I love animals. I love life in it’s entirety. My life is NOT perfect. No one’s life is perfect. However, I love and respect life and the gift that it is. It honestly and truly breaks my heart and injures my soul when I see cruelty of any kind, this would include cruelty to other humans, to animals and to the planet. I am NOT a goody-two-shoes idealistic type…I know and realize that life is not perfect and that there are bad things in the world and that people have to live through bad situations. Please don’t think I am some Pollyanna writing this who has never experienced pain or never understood that life is not fair. I do understand, I also understand that we will never in our human life truly understand each other or each other’s pain and trials here on Earth.
However, with that said, I do have strong opinions and beliefs - my strong opinions and beliefs are that we should be open-minded and accepting of all life. We should not condem others for their beliefs and backgrounds. That is why I’m writing this post…to put an end to all the hatred that has been circulating throughout my blog recently. From ‘Dave,and Mary’ mostly, but probably from others also who have just not left comments but agree with them. I am not condemning them for their beliefs. I do think they are wrong, however, I do not have the authority to judge them - they are adults with free will and will do as they please. I do however, feel that I have the moral duty to put my feelings and thoughts out there, not because I think I will change their minds but because maybe someone who is teetering on the fence of bigotry and hate will read this and have a change of heart and decide to embrace love rather than hate, acceptance rather than blame, and understanding rather than closed-mindedness.
I can not love unconditionally, I wish I could. I don’t believe that as humans we can harness that power very easily, I think it takes either a lifetime of working at it or a Devine gift to be able to love unconditionally. I think there have been only a handful of individuals who have graced this Earth who have had such an ability, such as: the Dali Llama, Gautama Buddha, Mother Teresa, Jesus Christ, Saint Francis of Assisi, and etc. It would be lovely if we could all love like these individuals, but I don’t think that will be possible during our mortal life on this planet. The best we can do is work in that direction and try to love in this manner, to try and make God proud of us by loving all that he created. I certainly can not say that I love everyone, because unfortunately, I don’t. I’m not really very fond of those who hate and cause pain for others, I’m not fond of those who are intolerant, I’m not fond of those who cause pain to people or animals, and I’m not fond of those who disrespect the Earth. Luckily, there are higher powers who can love these individuals, and I’m glad for this because I think everyone deserves love. I think love is a basic human need - raking right up there with food and water. I do not believe that life can thrive without love.
So, in closing, I hope that this writing has touched at least one person’s heart…if it has, then it was worth it. I hope that this will put a close to all the hatred that has been flowing through my blog lately…as that was not the purpose of my blog. I started it so I could talk to others who have to deal with the struggle of infertility treatments…not so I can have people full of hatred leaving their negative comments to poison my thoughts and my heart. So I ask that those who hate and have posted on my blog, please continue to post if you feel it’s necessary, but I urge you to read these words and the words of the above mentioned individuals (Dali Llama, Gautama Buddha, Mother Teresa, Jesus Christ, Saint Francis of Assisi, and etc.) and perhaps you will gain some insight on love…and you won’t waste your whole lives here on Earth being poisoned by hatred and destruction of life. Maybe, just maybe, something will strike a chord in your hearts and you will feel the warmth and bliss that is a life of love. I pray that you will open your heart.
Monday, May 5, 2008
I deleted his post immediately and wrote a rebuttal. However, after doing so, I was so pissed off at the ignorance that people have to face just for being born a non-white straight male, that I went to my e-mail (my comments are sent to my email) and I copied the original text from "Dave's" comment to post here for all to read.
Unfortunately..."Dave" is a chicken-sh*t because he didn't have a link back to his own blog....he just came here and posted basically anonymously so he could get his biggoted rants out and not be bothered by anyone making comments on his own blog. What a weiner.
So........here's "Dave's" post.......What a Man! I know he's my new idol! NOT. (ps dave...if I ever get lucky enough to have kids...I will use such idiotic examples such as this and the previous comment from "Mary" who thinks animals go to hell to educate my kids on how moronic people can be when they close their minds to anything that is different from them......and hopefully they will grow up to be nothing like you both).
So here goes, here's the post from "dave:"
Dave has left a new comment on your post "Anti-Politics":
VOTE OBAMA!! Its the only way to ensure McCain can win. No one wants a Nigger in the whitehouse and atlease if he did get there we have enough people around that if someone in a hood doesn't cap him Hillary would (Vince Foster ring a bell)
If Hill gets the nod she could beat Johnny Mac. There are too many red-diaper dopers out there that would get on her band wagon.
After all it IS the WHITE house, not the the Black House!! And there are too many old schoolers that get it to make sure we don't end up with Uncle Remus for President!
Actually, "Dave" and "Mary" - I feel very sorry for you both. I feel sorry that "Mary" can not fully feel the unconditional love of the animal world - "Mary" please read this, I think it will prove insightful for you....and I feel sorry that "Dave" can not feel the unconditional love from God for the human world. (By the way Mary....I'd be interested in the exact verse you are refering to in the Bible - because I obviously think you're wrong). "Dave" I think it would be helpful fo you to examine your bigoted thoughts to determine their source...your intolerance is very frightening.
In closing, hopefully little "Dave" has the b*lls to comment here with a link to his own blog so that we all can comment on his 'brilliant' thoughts as well. Come on "Dave" - do you have the guts?
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Thursday, May 1, 2008
This story made me cry (big, wet, drippy tears).............
*please note, this story is not about me or anyone I know...I just found it and thought it was beautiful.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Letter to God
Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:
Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick.
I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her. You will know that she is my dog. I really miss her.
We put the letter in an envelope with this picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God in Heaven.
We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven.
That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet.
I told her that I thought He had.
Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, 'To Meredith, ' in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies.' Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:
Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away.
Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.
Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you.
I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I'm easy to find, I am wherever there is love.
This is one of the kindest things I've ever experienced. I have no way to know who sent it, but there is a beautiful soul working in the dead letter office of the US postal service.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Hubby did not get laid off work as of yet...it looks good until at least the end of August and probably after due to another workers surgery and possible retirement.
Good news for our next IVF cycle scheduled for September...looks like it's still on.
Friday, April 25, 2008
New problem has happened though...Hubby is probably getting laid off of work soon (next week). Which sucks for MULTIPLE reasons - the obvious fact of getting laid off would be enough, but the other problem is that his insurance that he currently has helps us in paying for infertility treatments. (Before you get mad and hate me...it does not pay 100%, but it does help quite substantially). So.....now is my dilemma. Our plan was to wait and do the next IVF cycle this September so that I could lose some weight prior and just so we could take a break for mental health reasons. Now...he is "on the bubble" with getting laid off. Meaning, he is the first one that would get called back if they called anyone back or if anyone retired. Supposedly there is a lady there who is just ahead of him w/senority and she is going for neck surgery and will be taking the next 3 months off anyway...after that she is "thinking" about retiring but has not decided for sure yet. So....that means that they may hold her spot for her for the next 3 months until she decides (which means that hubby gets laid off) - or - they may let hubby work in her spot for the next 3 months and then if she comes back after her 3 months off THEN hubby gets laid off. However if that's the case, then in the meantime someone else may retire, who knows, or maybe we'll be in the same boat in 3 months.
Second dilemma...if he does get laid off next week...we can keep our current insurance for 4 months. So do I go ahead and go through another IVF cycle because of the insurance coverage as soon as possible? But then if I do and it's successful, what happens if I have a complicated pregnancy and can't work or worse have lots of medical bills and hubby can't find another good job in the meantime??? I would need to pick up time at work to be able to get insurance or quit my job and go back to the hospital for the insurance (but again...what if I have a problematic preganancy - my fertility specialist already informed me that I would be a "high risk" pregnancy throughout the entire pregnancy). OR do we wait, lose the insurance, hubby gets another job and insurance that will most likely not help with infertility costs (because I know most don't) and then I'm kicking myself becuase we didn't take advantage of this insurance when we could??? (Of course going for an IVF cycle when your getting laid off work doesn't sound like it makes much sense either).
Open for suggestions.
On a lighter note, I found this post on another bloggers site (it's not forgery if you give credit, right???)
Anyway here it is, it's hilarious:
If you ever have one of those moments where you feel a little bit stupid, just think of these and you'll begin to feel like you're a genius.
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."--Miss Alabama, Heather Whitestone, in the 1994 Miss USA Pagent.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."--Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."--A congressional candidate in Texas.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."--Al Gore, former Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."-- Dan Quayle, former Vice President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."--Department of Social Services, Greenville , SC
"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Feeling smarter yet?
Saturday, April 12, 2008
OK - so I thought I was doing a good thing by buying the (RED) version of the ipod shuffle. But now I'm not so sure that buying an ipod (or anything else from apple is so good at all).
This all started when I got an email saying that my shuffle was packaged and on it's way to me via FedEx - so I plugged in the tracking number at FedEx.com and found that my package had left Suzhou, China and was now in Shanghai, China. - Well being married to a 'Union-man' that tries to buy ONLY made in america items when he has the option (which I agree with don't get me wrong...he does go a little overboard sometimes even ordering his blue jeans online to make sure they were made in the united states).
I googled ipod and Suzhou and Shanghai and this is what I found. I found MANY articles like the one from Wired stating that the 'ipod city' as it is called in China only pays their workers anywhere from $50-$100 a month and they must live in the dormatories pictured above and work in sweatshop like conditions. They aren't allowed to have visitors or even many personal belongings and are forced to work 15 hour days.
So now I'm feeling pretty crappy about supporting such a practice. Although, I then stumbled across another little piece of information on the internet (looks like it's from someone's blog) at fixyourthinking.com that basically says that the economy in China now is like that of America in the Great Depression and that people are paid less but that the cost of living is much less. What was even more interesting was a comment to this post written by "KC" a Chinese-American who seemed to have no problem with the way the ipods are made - he states that these types of companies in China give people a chance to make more money in a month than their family can make in a year through farming. He states that there are opportunities for moving up to supervisory positions as well...he says it is just a different world and different environment than in the united states today and people do what they need to do to make a living. He also states that a lot of individuals will work in these types of places, then pool their money and start their own business and factories.
So, I don't know what to think. I think it's rotten that people have to live in conditions that I believe are substandard...but then again I may be living in conditions that other people would think are substandard. I don't know...I know however that there are basic human civil rights that should be upheld everywhere - but, if these rights are being upheld - then who are we to say that another country's practices are wrong as long as the basic rights are upheld and people are entering these working environments through their own free will?
I don't know...it's hard to say how I really feel because I'm not really sure. I wish everyone in America and everyone in the world could experience life the way it is supposed to be and I wish everyone could experience being cared for by their loved ones, friends and their employers. I wish, but I know that is not reality and I know that people have to make hard choices in life about everything. Who knows...if I lived in China and my family members were farmers (or unemployed) and worked hard but still could not make a living - and if I had a chance to go to work in 'ipod city' and send money home to them during these depression like times...I probably would be glad that the option to do that was there. So then, looking at it that way, I feel like a jerk sitting over here in America in my nice house with my nice job criticizing what may be a great opportunity to someone on the opposite side of the world.
I'd be interested to know what anyone else thinks.
Friday, April 11, 2008
So all in all, I shopped around the internet (e-bay, Apple store and amazon.com) and got the following for a grand total of $110.25:
1-apple ipod shuffle 2GB
1-travel AC charger
1-pink carrying case to hold i-pod and ear buds
1-pink earbud clip to hold extra cord out of the way when working in my garden
1-happy husband that knows he doesn't have to try to find me a birthday gift other than a nice dinner out in July! (and maybe some nice flowers...hint, hint)
I think that's a pretty good deal.
(By the way - my face still feels like hell - damn wisdom teeth).
Thursday, April 10, 2008
I have been wanting to get an ipod so that when I go walking and stuff for exercise I can have something to listen to - however the choices are ENDLESS! I think actually that I want one of the least expensive ones (the ipod shuffle) because I really don't think I would use all the fancy video features (although a visible play list would be nice). However, I really think that the shuffle will be just right for me.
If anyone has any ipod experience/advice I welcome it as I am making this decision without actually ever seeing a device.
The one I'm looking at is from the Apple Store, and I'm looking that the red ipod shuffle (i like the minty green one better i think) but will probably buy the red one as it is part of the product(RED) line and I really like the idea behind those products.
So anyone with 'ipod experience' let me know what you think. I look forward to comments!
By the way, I have also launched out into the cyber world of facebook & myspace. I did this mostly to catch up with long lost friends/coworkers...but am extending an invitation to any of my bloggie buddies to drop me a line/add to friend list if you are so inclined. Here are the links.