Sunday, July 20, 2008

Birthdays, Babies and Depression.

I haven't posted in a while....haven't felt like I really had anything new to say. I've been reading though, all the good news and the not so good news...I love reading your blogs. It's kind of an escape I think for me.

Anyway, tomorrow is my 31st birthday. You would have thought that 30 would have been my "big" birthday and if I was going to feel bad that I would have felt it last year....but no. Thirty to me was not a big deal. No problem. No biggie. But for some reason, I am dreading saying that I'm 31. Why you ask? I don't know. I know it's not "old" - and besides that I'm not afraid of getting "old." I have no issues with age. My problem (I think) is that of what I have not accomplished yet that I feel I need to have accomplished by now.

So my list of accomplishments.... hmmmm.....

1. Good marriage. check.
2. Good family and good family relationships. check.
3. Good education. check.
4. Good job - even one where I help people. check, check.
5. Good house - get to keep the family farmhouse going. check. check.
6. Good dog. check.
7. Good friend(s). check.

Sounds pretty good when I list it out like that. So why feel depressed?
Here are my things I wish I could say I have done......

8. Have kids in enough time so that my parents (who are 57 and 72) can enjoy them. check yet on that one.
9. Go to medical school so I can help people even more. umm...definately no check there, now I'm way too old to do that (especially if I want to have kids!)
10. Make a difference in the world. nope, no check there.
11. Volunteer. nope.
12. Build a habitat for humanity home. nada checks here.
13. Go on a missions trip and make a difference in another part of the world. no checks yet.
14. Help in a national disaster. Nope.
15. Again, have kids, lots of kids...and help them become awesome people. nope again.

So......I guess that's the root of my feeling depressed. I feel like I have given nothing to the world. Not being able to have babies only adds to that feeling of not contributing. At least if I had my own family, I would feel like I was making an impact by helping my kids grow up to be great people. But no, can't even do that. I know, I know, I'm throwing myself a pitty party (a pitty birthday party).

I just feel like I have done nothing to change or impact anyone else's life in a good way. I hate that feeling. I have this deep burning desire in me to change someone's life, to help someone, anyone, anyway, to have a better life. I've done nothing except help myself have a better life - which has only left me feeling empty and alone.

So why not change you ask? Good question. Why not get off your fat ass and do something? Another good question. Maybe I'll do that....maybe I'll dedicate my 30's to helping other people. That'll be my birthday present to myself. I'll give my 30's away and focus on goals 8-15.


Io said...

I think those goals you have checked are great - and the ones you are going to get to will be great too.
I feel you on the number 8. My dad was saying something the other day about how I need to hurry up and have kids before he dies, and he never talks about me having kids, so I know he was really thinking about it.
I think you already are a great person - and having those goals is ever greater.
Happy birthday.

Baby and Me said...

First Happy Birthday! Your lists are great! While I am all for makinga difference and helping out for the greater good on mankind. You should feel totally happy with all you have in life thus far. You will be a great mom when it happens!

DC said...

Happy birthday! I hope your 31st year brings you a healthy baby. :)