Monday, July 28, 2008

Unexpected reaction.....

My work friend who is, I don't know, probably about 6 months or 7 months pregnant asked me if I wanted to "feel her baby move" today by touching her belly.

Now...let me give you a little background. This friend has gone through "infertility treatments" before to have her first daughter. I put "infertility treatments" in quotes because she only did one round of clomid and got pregnant. That was 4 years ago. I realize this is technically an infertility treatment...but it is no where to the extent that many of us have had to endure. I don't think it comes anywhere near multiple IUI's or IVF's.

Anywhoo... she was very supportive during my IVF earlier this year. She even brought me food during my bedrest time, gave me shots when I needed them....she is a great friend and I love her. I just don't think that she has a clue what I am going through. (Otherwise she wouldn't have asked me to touch her belly....).

By the way.....I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it.
I thought for sure I could, but I couldn't....... and I'm even planning on throwing her a baby problem with that, I just can't believe that I couldn't touch that moving little baby inside her belly. When she asked me to and started to move closer to me - I instantly felt extremely anxious inside and I could feel the tears welling up. If I had felt that little baby move...I think the waterworks would have started. Not because I'm not happy for her and not because I don't think she should be pregnant or anything.....she's a good person, her hubby's a good person and their little girl is great. I'm glad she's pregnant and is having a great life. I truly am glad for her. Really. I wish nothing but the best for her and her family.

I do have to say that it did really upset me though when she first found out she was pregnant and was constantly complaining to me about things that just really are small in the big picture. Such as: not being able to get her personal best time in the marathon she was going to run, and also about how nauseous she was feeling and about the fact that she was "bummed out" that she was having another girl instead of a boy like she wanted. Oh my gosh...I would literally cut off my leg (I'm not joking) to be pregnant. She was very sensitive about telling me that she was pregnant (she did it in private). However, I thought she would have been a little more sensitive about all the other issues. I guess I probably wasn't very sensitive to people dealing with infertility issues until I went through it myself just don't understand unless you've been there.

I've never said anything to her because she's sensitive and I care about her WAY too much to ever hurt her feelings. I just listen and empathize...there have been times when a bunch of us will be talking and it was too much and I had to get up and leave. I would just say I had work to do....I just have to get away from pregnancies and babies sometimes.

It's not just her...sometimes I just need a break from all the pregnancies, the babies, the baby pictures, the planning, the kids in church and in the stores that I see and sometimes start spontaneously crying because of. I just can't believe how much infertility hurts right down deep to the core of your soul. You try to put on a brave face and listen to the pregnancy stories and hold those babies.....but sometimes it's just too much and you need a little sensitivity in return. Even from those who don't and can not understand. Even those people....sometimes just need to be a little extra sensitive because the world of infertility SUCKS big-time.

So.......I just couldn't bring myself to touch my friend's belly today.....I hope I didn't hurt her feelings. (Maybe I'll tell her why tomorrow....I'm worrried I hurt her feelings).

Friday, July 25, 2008

Starting again.......

So......we're heading down the IVF road again. (Kind of like the yellow brick road.....only with needles, blood draws and the dildo-cam).

Saw my doctor again today (just for a check up pap) - he's not a Reproductive Endocrinologist as I see from most blogs is very popular to go to. (We don't even have a RE around my area - I don't think). Anyway, he started out as an OB-GYN and branched off into IF treatments early on. He's been practicing medicine for around 40 years....I do have a lot of trust in him, which is good.

So, I went in for my follow up pap but ended up talking about my next IVF cycle mostly. So here's the plan:

1. Start Birth Control Pills with my next period (which I was taken off of because of thrombophlebitis and the risk of DVT).
2. Start an 81mg Aspirin daily starting today because of the risk of DVT.
3. Increase Glucophage from 1000mg daily to 1000mg twice daily.
4. Call when I get my period to set up the mock transfer, set up cycle appt and endometrial biopsy for 2-3 weeks after period starts. (He's been reading research that says an Endometrial Biopsy the month before IVF will help increase implantation rates by ready-ing the endometrial lining).
5. Then hopefully I will be ready to start stimulation injections in late August/early September.

Weirdly I was kind of dreading this appt to talk about things. I think after the disappointment earlier this year I was just feeling almost a sense of dread about doing IVF again. Feeling like everything was going to be a big disappointment again. BUT - weirdly - I am feeling really hopeful about this cycle. I'm not near as nervous as I was last time because I know what to expect. I feel oddly optimistic.

Oh....also, we have 6 embryo's frozen from the first IVF cycle. We chose to go another fresh round this time as we do get some help from hubby's insurance for up to 3 cycles. (It does not pay for everything - so please don't hate me - but it does help out quite a bit). Anything's better than nothing right??? But it will only help for 3 cycles. So we talked with my doctor and he said he would recommend a fresh cycle since we have some financial help....and also since our frozen embryo's don't look that hot. (We have 3 good and 3 not so good frozen). Possibly enough for one frozen transfer in the future. (He said the total cost of a frozen transfer/FET would be about $2000 - which as you all know is WAY better than the $10,000-$15,000 for a fresh cycle). So if we are going to pay 100% of something it would be smarter to pay 100% of $2,000 than 100% of $10,000-$15,000.

That's the I didn't lose all the weight I wanted to before this cycle. (I lost a bunch and then gained about half of it back - kind of got depressed and fell off the wagon). But, hopefully that won't have too much of an effect on this cycle.

Thanks in advance for all the support.

Feeling "cautiously optimistic."

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Birthdays, Babies and Depression.

I haven't posted in a while....haven't felt like I really had anything new to say. I've been reading though, all the good news and the not so good news...I love reading your blogs. It's kind of an escape I think for me.

Anyway, tomorrow is my 31st birthday. You would have thought that 30 would have been my "big" birthday and if I was going to feel bad that I would have felt it last year....but no. Thirty to me was not a big deal. No problem. No biggie. But for some reason, I am dreading saying that I'm 31. Why you ask? I don't know. I know it's not "old" - and besides that I'm not afraid of getting "old." I have no issues with age. My problem (I think) is that of what I have not accomplished yet that I feel I need to have accomplished by now.

So my list of accomplishments.... hmmmm.....

1. Good marriage. check.
2. Good family and good family relationships. check.
3. Good education. check.
4. Good job - even one where I help people. check, check.
5. Good house - get to keep the family farmhouse going. check. check.
6. Good dog. check.
7. Good friend(s). check.

Sounds pretty good when I list it out like that. So why feel depressed?
Here are my things I wish I could say I have done......

8. Have kids in enough time so that my parents (who are 57 and 72) can enjoy them. check yet on that one.
9. Go to medical school so I can help people even more. umm...definately no check there, now I'm way too old to do that (especially if I want to have kids!)
10. Make a difference in the world. nope, no check there.
11. Volunteer. nope.
12. Build a habitat for humanity home. nada checks here.
13. Go on a missions trip and make a difference in another part of the world. no checks yet.
14. Help in a national disaster. Nope.
15. Again, have kids, lots of kids...and help them become awesome people. nope again.

So......I guess that's the root of my feeling depressed. I feel like I have given nothing to the world. Not being able to have babies only adds to that feeling of not contributing. At least if I had my own family, I would feel like I was making an impact by helping my kids grow up to be great people. But no, can't even do that. I know, I know, I'm throwing myself a pitty party (a pitty birthday party).

I just feel like I have done nothing to change or impact anyone else's life in a good way. I hate that feeling. I have this deep burning desire in me to change someone's life, to help someone, anyone, anyway, to have a better life. I've done nothing except help myself have a better life - which has only left me feeling empty and alone.

So why not change you ask? Good question. Why not get off your fat ass and do something? Another good question. Maybe I'll do that....maybe I'll dedicate my 30's to helping other people. That'll be my birthday present to myself. I'll give my 30's away and focus on goals 8-15.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

What I learned from a frog...

I was outside watering my flowers today and noticed a frog on the side of the house by the hose. I thought he'd make a nice picture.

So after taking his picture, I was inspired to take some more pictures of my flowers. Now little did I realize that this picture taking excursion (initiated because of a cute little frog on the side of my house) would take me through an insightful, zen-like lesson.

I took the following picture:

The lesson? I did not even realize until after taking the picture and looking at it on my camera that there was a spider on that flower. Can you imagine? I looked right at that flower and took it's picture and did not even see that spider that was right in front of my face...not until the camera made me look and focus only on that particular flower and nothing else did I see the spider in front of my face.

Then I got to thinking about life...and that maybe I should not always try and look at the entire big picture all the time, planning always years in advance...causing frustration and worry and pain...maybe sometimes, I should slow down and look at the little pieces of life, each as it's own seperate piece, and see what I may be missing out on. Maybe there's a lot I'm not seeing because I'm trying to see everything. I'd hate to think I'm missing out on some of the little joys in life. Just like I missed the spider that I was looking directly at and didn't see.

So then I found some more bugs on my flowers to take pictures of (I like bugs and frogs, I know I'm wierd...I think they are cute).

Here are just some more flower pictures (sans bugs):

A view of the barn (needs fixing up...but that's expensive and will have to wait until next year or so):
A view of the cozy backyard:

A view of the front yard where the "coyote incident" happened:

Things are starting to get big in the garden:

Behind the garden is a "big garden" of G's where he planted lots of corn and pumpkins and gourds (the dirt area before the field - we don't plant the field).

And lastly, one Maggie-dog looking scornfully out the window at me because she wasn't invited outside this time! (really, I just caught her w/her eyes closed...but she does look scornful don't you think?)