Friday, May 30, 2008

On a lighter note...

I'm getting my hair fixed tomorrow. I know Io wanted to see pictures...I just don't know if I can bring myself to post pictures of my halloween witch hair with the skunk stripe up the back. I'll think about it.......


OK, twist my arm...I'm brave enough I guess. Here are postings of my horrendus haircolor mishap. (mind you - my hair is usually a light brown/blonde with blonde highlights).

The view of my circus tent type stripes from the right side.

and from the left view....... And don't forget my skunk stripe in the back.........

And finally, the view from the top. Which I have to say is the least offensive vantage point.

If I walked around on my knees all day so people would only be able to look at the top of my head - my hair wouldn't be so bad!

Anyway, going back to grovel to the regular hairstylist tomorrow to get it *fixed* - to grovel and beg :) and promise never to cheat on my hairdresser again.

I did give Miss Maggie-dog a bath though today and her hair looks GREAT! See----

The next picture I can't help but post....I caught her mid-blink but she looks quite disgusted with me - like "mom, stop with the baths and pictures already!"

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Thoughts and Prayers....

My thoughts and prayers go out to a fellow Fort Wayne nurse that was killed yesterday morning on her way to work at Parkview Hospital. Kimberly A. Swickard was 40 years old, had two daughters and according to her co-workers was a wonderful nurse and wonderful person. Her car was involved in a hit and run at 3am when she was on her way into work at Parkview where she was a medical telemetry nurse...she later died in the ER at Parkview Hospital from head trauma from the collision. See attached story.

I don't understand how anyone could be involved in an accident and then leave the scene...these slimebags hit her and left her like she was nothing. They ran a flashing red light, hit her car and then fled the scene like a couple of pieces of shit that didn't even flinch or care that they injured (ultimately killed) another human being - whom was on her way to work to care for the sick herself. I can't even wrap my mind around this.

When I used to work in the ER as a nurse, I let a lot of things eat me up. I took a lot of fear home. I was always wondering if something was going to happen, if I'd ever see my loved ones again, if I made sure that all was well before leaving my loved ones because you never know.

I had to leave the ER because of that kind of thinking. It was eating me up inside. The trauma, the loss, the pain that people have to endure. I took care of many, many people who came into the ER not knowing when they got up that morning that that day would be their last day. I cared for them during the dying process which was not the worst part (you'd think that was the worst part, but it was not at all, talking to and seeing the families who's lives had suddenly changed forever was the worst part. The sound that someone makes when they are crying and grieving from the depths of their soul is a sound that haunts me, a sound I will never forget, and and sound that I pray I never have to make again in my life). The patients themselves, who were usually unconscious on arrival (but not always), were not as hard on the heart to take care of. I have been with a lot of people when they have passed on. I am telling you from experience, the exact moment when someone passes is always peaceful. It is always peaceful, even if all the moments leading up to it were anything but peaceful...the last moment always is. You can tell, just by looking at someone, when they are gone - even without looking at any monitors or anything. Their whole body changes the instant that their soul leaves. When someone dies, you can almost see their soul leave (not by seeing their soul per se, but by seeing the absence of their soul. Their body looks like a shell, an empty vessel). I have said many a prayer during the moments that I see this happen, when I see a body change from a person to just a body. I feel as if their soul is in the room, leaving to go to it's next journey, and I have said prayers during that time that their soul makes the transition smoothly and safely to it's next destination. And I swear to you, that I always feel this encompassing warmth in my chest/body when I do that...and I'm sure that it's because I'm feeling the brightness and love that has returned to that person's soul as they move on to the next stage. I feel blessed to have had these experiences as they helped me tremendously in the development of my own spirituality and beliefs.

I had a hard time functioning though while working in the ER. I had a hard time just existing in a "normal" life where people (friends and loved ones) get mad and yell and fight because I would always worry that it would be my last time seeing them and that would be their memories of me. It got to the point that I was experiencing significant anxiety and depression to the point that I was on antidepressants for awhile. That's what full-time in the ER did to me, it made me paranoid and anxious about being alive for the fear of death. Not just the fear of death but the fear of death without everything being 'perfect.' (I do realize that this is irrational, I realize that in the real world people have fights, people get mad, and sometimes that is the last memory but that does not mean that is the only memory. I know that, and I know that the 'last memory' per se is not of the importance that I'm giving it...I'm just lamenting on how twisted the ER made my mind when I spent so many hours there seeing so many unspeakable things).

This story, even though I didn't know Kim well, struck that same chord with me. I have been out of the ER since October 2004 now, but those same feelings are coming back. I can't help but think of how she didn't know when she got up that morning and got ready for work, checked in on her kids, said good-bye to her husband, got in her car to drive to work, that that was it...that was the last time...she didn't know. She didn't know.

Life is so fragile and scary and wonderful and yet we blunder through it like bulls in a china shop not caring who we step on to get what we want. Not caring how reckless we are with each other and our relationships. We take so much for granted every single day. We spend so much time, precious time, worrying about stupid stuff that we won't even remember worrying about in 5 days let alone in 5 years. But still we are willing to speak before we think and hurt others with our sharp tongues...we are willing to give the most of our time and the most of ourselves to the things that don't matter at all in the end. We are willing to sacrifice what is important in the end to what we think is important right now.

I recently read an awesome book called "Suzanne's diary for Nicholas" by James Patterson and in that book one of the main characters Suzanne states a lesson she learned while struggling through balancing a medical practice, and illness and being in love and losing love. She is told that life is like juggling 5 balls, those 5 balls are: work, family, friends, health and integrity. You work hard to keep them in the air at all times, but sometimes you are bound to slip up and let one fall. The work ball is made of rubber and will bounce back, however the balls for health, integrity, friends and family are made of glass and if dropped can scratch, chip or worse, they can shatter and may never be able to be repaired. I found this an enlightening lesson about prioritization regarding what is important in life. If you like to read at all, pick this book up, it's a great, great read. Very moving.

So, I guess you take things year by year, week by week, day by day, hour by hour and probably most importantly, moment by moment. Never look away from an unplanned opportunity to spend time with loved ones, even if it wasn't on your schedule for the day. I think that it's how we spend those little unplanned moments, those precious experiences, that builds our character and our memories and the quality of our lives. My mid-year's resolution (since I don't typically make new-year's resolutions) is to savor the moments in my life and be open to whatever opportunities they may bring, be it big or small. I want to live my life completely, I want to be completely worn-out and used-up when it comes time for my soul to pass on. I want there to be standing room only at my funeral.

So here's a prayer to Kim, that her soul is embraced in peace and love and understanding, and to Kim's family, that their hearts may heal one day from this horrible tragedy and they can remember their wife and mother and daughter in love and happiness and peace. I can tell from the love that surrounds Kim and her family now that her life was a life well-lived, and I bet that there will be standing room only at her funeral.

Peace to all.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Bad Hair.

Lesson learned. Don't switch hairstylists.
(My hair looks like a halloween witch regular hairstylist will be fixing it this saturday - I'll never cheat on her again).
Lesson learned the hard way.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

New Hair Stylist!

OK - I know I am SUCH a NERD for being excited about such a silly thing as hair...but...I'm going to a new hairstylist next Thursday!

This is very exciting for me as I have been going to the same stylist since I have been about 15 years old...that is almost 16 years now! That's TOO long...she stopped listening to me a long time ago and my hair looks the same every time I go.

My hair is "ok" how it is now, it's just that I have been craving something kind of funky for a while, but my stylist now just keeps doing the same thing...

So...I'm going to someone new (I work with her sister and she has AWESOME hair, also some other people in my office go to her and they all have great I'm stoked).

I was thinking of choppy layers (I have naturally curly I'll keep a curly style because I don't want to flat iron every day) and I was thinking of some funky/chunky highlights/lowlights such as the pictures below. What does anyone think? (probably more like the second picture).

So imagine these with curly, piecy hair....would that look good????

Thursday, May 8, 2008

This is sooo much better.....

Wow...what a difference without all the hateful comments! This is AWESOME!

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who stopped by and gave support and left positive comments...thanks to you all.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Good-Bye Anonymous Comments!

Just a note to all the "anonymous" and "unregistered user" people who have been leaving hateful comments on my blog.........I have changed my settings, you must be a registered user to leave a comment on my blog. Now I don't have to be poisoned by your hatred and completely idiotic view of the world. Unfortunately, that means that anyone who was an actual good person who was reading my blog and posting as anonymous or unregistered that was actually providing good and/or helpful comments regarding my posts will not be able to post anymore either. Sorry. It's like when your in elementary school and one kid does something stupid and the whole class has to be punished.....

*If you don't know what I'm talking about or why I'm posting this....please read the last 4 posts (posts dated from May 1st to May 6th) along with the associated comments - especially the comments from the unregistered users - on my blog and you will quickly understand why I feel so strongly about this and why I have decided to not accept non-registered comments anymore.

Anyway, I have been letting these "people" post their comments because I felt it was important to bring to light how incredibly racist and intolerant I'm discovering the world still is...however, I have made a decision that it is doing no good to anyone to leave these "people" post on my blog. It is not helping anyone at is just bringing everyone who reads it down and the more we read and listen to that crap the more we infiltrate the Universe with negativity. So, in conclusion:


Any comment left on my blog containing any of the above negativity will be promptly deleted by if you plan on leaving hateful comments, don't waste your time.

So GOODBYE to all you hateful people who have been posting on my blog...I will look forward to reading my comments without feeling like the human race is going down the toilet...yes I know that you are all still out there, but that does not mean that my heart, mind and soul have to be polluted with your hate and rage anymore. I am done.

I do however, continue to look forward to the helpful, lovely and encouraging comments from my fellow bloggers - I love to read your blogs and leave/receive comments from you all. You have been especially helpful during all of my IVF and such...and I will need you even more in September when we go through our 2nd IVF.

Thanks again to all the GOOD people out there, all my bloggy friends, and GOODBYE to all the negative people and their closed little minds. Go pollute elsewhere.

Some thoughts on Love and Peace

I am writing this with a saddened heart. If you’ve been reading my blog and comments you know why. If not…please read through the last few posts and their comments and you will understand why.

I love people. I love animals. I love life in it’s entirety. My life is NOT perfect. No one’s life is perfect. However, I love and respect life and the gift that it is. It honestly and truly breaks my heart and injures my soul when I see cruelty of any kind, this would include cruelty to other humans, to animals and to the planet. I am NOT a goody-two-shoes idealistic type…I know and realize that life is not perfect and that there are bad things in the world and that people have to live through bad situations. Please don’t think I am some Pollyanna writing this who has never experienced pain or never understood that life is not fair. I do understand, I also understand that we will never in our human life truly understand each other or each other’s pain and trials here on Earth.

However, with that said, I do have strong opinions and beliefs - my strong opinions and beliefs are that we should be open-minded and accepting of all life. We should not condem others for their beliefs and backgrounds. That is why I’m writing this post…to put an end to all the hatred that has been circulating throughout my blog recently. From ‘Dave,and Mary’ mostly, but probably from others also who have just not left comments but agree with them. I am not condemning them for their beliefs. I do think they are wrong, however, I do not have the authority to judge them - they are adults with free will and will do as they please. I do however, feel that I have the moral duty to put my feelings and thoughts out there, not because I think I will change their minds but because maybe someone who is teetering on the fence of bigotry and hate will read this and have a change of heart and decide to embrace love rather than hate, acceptance rather than blame, and understanding rather than closed-mindedness.

I can not love unconditionally, I wish I could. I don’t believe that as humans we can harness that power very easily, I think it takes either a lifetime of working at it or a Devine gift to be able to love unconditionally. I think there have been only a handful of individuals who have graced this Earth who have had such an ability, such as: the Dali Llama, Gautama Buddha, Mother Teresa, Jesus Christ, Saint Francis of Assisi, and etc. It would be lovely if we could all love like these individuals, but I don’t think that will be possible during our mortal life on this planet. The best we can do is work in that direction and try to love in this manner, to try and make God proud of us by loving all that he created. I certainly can not say that I love everyone, because unfortunately, I don’t. I’m not really very fond of those who hate and cause pain for others, I’m not fond of those who are intolerant, I’m not fond of those who cause pain to people or animals, and I’m not fond of those who disrespect the Earth. Luckily, there are higher powers who can love these individuals, and I’m glad for this because I think everyone deserves love. I think love is a basic human need - raking right up there with food and water. I do not believe that life can thrive without love.

So, in closing, I hope that this writing has touched at least one person’s heart…if it has, then it was worth it. I hope that this will put a close to all the hatred that has been flowing through my blog lately…as that was not the purpose of my blog. I started it so I could talk to others who have to deal with the struggle of infertility treatments…not so I can have people full of hatred leaving their negative comments to poison my thoughts and my heart. So I ask that those who hate and have posted on my blog, please continue to post if you feel it’s necessary, but I urge you to read these words and the words of the above mentioned individuals (Dali Llama, Gautama Buddha, Mother Teresa, Jesus Christ, Saint Francis of Assisi, and etc.) and perhaps you will gain some insight on love…and you won’t waste your whole lives here on Earth being poisoned by hatred and destruction of life. Maybe, just maybe, something will strike a chord in your hearts and you will feel the warmth and bliss that is a life of love. I pray that you will open your heart.

Monday, May 5, 2008

I can't believe people like this still live here......Here's to you Dave!

I knew that African-Americans (and any other minority for that matter...whether it be gay/lesbian, Asian, the elderly, women, basically anyone other than straight white males....) had to deal with a lot of ignorant comments from people....but I didn't realize it was this blatently in-your-face until I got a comment on my last post regarding Barack Obama from some as*hole named "Dave."

I deleted his post immediately and wrote a rebuttal. However, after doing so, I was so pissed off at the ignorance that people have to face just for being born a non-white straight male, that I went to my e-mail (my comments are sent to my email) and I copied the original text from "Dave's" comment to post here for all to read.

Unfortunately..."Dave" is a chicken-sh*t because he didn't have a link back to his own blog....he just came here and posted basically anonymously so he could get his biggoted rants out and not be bothered by anyone making comments on his own blog. What a weiner.'s "Dave's" post.......What a Man! I know he's my new idol! NOT. (ps dave...if I ever get lucky enough to have kids...I will use such idiotic examples such as this and the previous comment from "Mary" who thinks animals go to hell to educate my kids on how moronic people can be when they close their minds to anything that is different from them......and hopefully they will grow up to be nothing like you both).

So here goes, here's the post from "dave:"

Dave has left a new comment on your post "Anti-Politics":

VOTE OBAMA!! Its the only way to ensure McCain can win. No one wants a Nigger in the whitehouse and atlease if he did get there we have enough people around that if someone in a hood doesn't cap him Hillary would (Vince Foster ring a bell)

If Hill gets the nod she could beat Johnny Mac. There are too many red-diaper dopers out there that would get on her band wagon.

After all it IS the WHITE house, not the the Black House!! And there are too many old schoolers that get it to make sure we don't end up with Uncle Remus for President!

Actually, "Dave" and "Mary" - I feel very sorry for you both. I feel sorry that "Mary" can not fully feel the unconditional love of the animal world - "Mary" please read this, I think it will prove insightful for you....and I feel sorry that "Dave" can not feel the unconditional love from God for the human world. (By the way Mary....I'd be interested in the exact verse you are refering to in the Bible - because I obviously think you're wrong). "Dave" I think it would be helpful fo you to examine your bigoted thoughts to determine their source...your intolerance is very frightening.

In closing, hopefully little "Dave" has the b*lls to comment here with a link to his own blog so that we all can comment on his 'brilliant' thoughts as well. Come on "Dave" - do you have the guts?

Sunday, May 4, 2008


I am the most NON political person that you will EVER meet. However, this year, when I realized that the United States of America could have a REAL change....a change from the past couple hundred years of leadership by straight, white, over 50 years of age, men...I did get a little excited to think that we could actually leap into the 21st Century open-minded thinking and have either a woman or an Africian-American male as president. How awesome is that? the most non-political person you'll ever meet.....I did take it upon myself to read through both Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama's websites and glance through their "issues" sections to see what each had to offer. (I have linked them both if you are intrested in looking at them). You know you can't tell anything from commercials on TV...they're all the same - stating basically "I'm good and my opponent is bad." your money. But anyway, their websites have some great info on them.

Honestly, I still didn't know who I was going to vote for before tonight. I am going to vote for sure however, only because I feel that this year could be the year that we make a REAL change in this country (......that is as long as we keep John McCain out of office......seeing as how he would just be a repeat of what we have already had plenty of). ----I've never really cared in past elections who won...I guess I figured they were all the same.

So, I'm happy to say that after looking through both websites that I am planning on voting for Barack Obama. His blueprint for change as well as all of this thoughts and ideas on everything from healthcare to the environment seem so well thought out and detailed, I was completely impressed. I feel like this is someone who could really take charge and make some real changes....not just the same old thing again.

I'm most excited and I hope Barack Obama wins (it's only too bad that Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton are both Democrat....wouldn't that be something if they were running against each other in November and the USA had no choice but to have either a woman or an African-American as president! That would be awesome!)

Go Obama!

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Nice Story

I found this story on another bloggers posting....this is a true story.
This story made me cry (big, wet, drippy tears).............
*please note, this story is not about me or anyone I know...I just found it and thought it was beautiful.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Letter to God
Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:

Dear God,

Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick.

I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her. You will know that she is my dog. I really miss her.



We put the letter in an envelope with this picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God in Heaven.

We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven.
That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet.
I told her that I thought He had.
Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, 'To Meredith, ' in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies.' Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:

Dear Meredith,

Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away.

Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.

Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you.

I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I'm easy to find, I am wherever there is love.



This is one of the kindest things I've ever experienced. I have no way to know who sent it, but there is a beautiful soul working in the dead letter office of the US postal service.