Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Goodbye Rudy.




I had another blood test this morning and my HCG dropped to 24.

Rudy is gone.

I have to have weekly HCG's per my doctor's request until it gets to zero to make certain that Rudy is not ectopic. I'll see the doctor next Thursday to discuss where we go from here.

I realize that I was only barely pregnant...but I have to say that I still felt Rudy's presence within me and I already miss him (or her) terribly. It's funny how we (women) tend to look so far in the future, I already had Rudy (though with a different name after birth - either Gracie or Andy - Rudy was just my "embryonic name"), I already had little Rudy at home with me, learning how to read, visiting his/her grandparents, playing with Maggie the dog, going to school, making friends...I was already picturing Rudy's future life...and now, Rudy is gone.

OK, so I know that the technical lingo is that a pregnancy is not even considered to have a "viable baby" until 20 weeks (I used to work in the ER and when a pregnant woman came in w/abdominal pain we weren't even allowed to send her to L&D unless she was at least 20 weeks because she wasn't "viable" per medical standards, so we treated her in the ER at 20 weeks or less), so I know that's the 'medical rule'... however, my little embryo, however young and undeveloped, still felt like a potential for a very great life and I already miss that.

I know that someday, in some way, we will have children. Whether it's through more IVF or adoption or a combination of both...I will be a Mommy someday.

But right now, today...I miss Rudy terribly.

14 comments:

Io said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry. Rudy absolutely was your baby even if (s)he didn't stay long.
You'll make it one way or another. I'm here if you need me.

BrownEyedGirl said...

My heart goes out to you. Sending thoughts and hugs!

Cece said...

So sorry sweetie. I can tell you the pain gets less as time goes on... and you WILL be a mom!!

Ashley said...

Awww, Shauna, so sorry about your little Rudy. I know he made an impact in your life the short time he was here. ((hugs))

Morrisa said...

I am so so sorry.

Erin Manney Hollar said...

I'm so sorry. I know that it wasn't technically a baby, but it's still a loss. I went through the same thing with my 3rd IVF. Take the time you need to "grieve" Rudy in your own way.

The Town Criers said...

I am so sorry, sweetie.

Melanie said...

I feel your pain, I really do. I'm so, so utterly sorry. This goes without saying, but IVF is so very difficult because we know everything and know it so early. I think the numbers are that 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage but most women don't know it because it happens to early. We, lucky infertiles we are, get to know the good, the bad and the ugly at every damn step. Sending you hugs.

Bea said...

Came here from L&F. Sorry for your loss.

Bea

peesticksandstones said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. And it's one I understand completely...

Take care of yourself! I'll be thinking of you.

Jen said...

I am so very sorry.

lifecanbeashit said...

A loss is a loss, no matter how far along you are and they all hurt like shit!
Im so sorry that Rudy is gone.

Hugs hugs
xxx

Chad said...

Are you going to put anything else on your Blog or have you stopped?

sariel & shlomit said...

i'm just so bloody sorry...a "chemical pregnancy" is it's own kind of IF hell...hang in there...
peace
shlomit