Monday, March 10, 2008

Rudy is in a standstill.......

Rudy is in a standstill (which is bad).
I got my HCG drawn today and it was 32.2 (which is not good seeing as it was 31 on Friday). They had said they wanted it at least 100 by today.

The nurse at my MD's office said that the doctor wants me to stay on the progesterone to give it "one more shot" and get my blood redrawn on Wednesday to see the progress (or lack of progress).

She said that he is pretty confident that my HCG will drop by Wednesday (indicating a miscarriage). She said not to get my hopes up at all. (But he did say he was giving it one more shot, right??? And this is Rudy we're talking about! Maybe he'll prove everyone wrong).

She also said that if my HCG level does not change much on Wednesday (either up or down) then I'll have to have an ultrasound on Thursday to make sure I don't have a tubal pregnancy. (Hopefully Rudy didn't go in the tube - stay away from the tube Rudy!).

Anyway, I'm completely emotionally drained right now. I had absolutely no idea how emotionally draining this was going to be - I knew that it would be tough and I knew going into it that it may not work............ but i was no where near prepared to hear someone say "you're pregnant" and then follow it with "you're going to have a miscarriage."

This just blows.

I just had no idea how hard this was going to be (I know all you out there who have been through this before understand).
I must take a moment and vent or I'm going to explode.......please bear with me:
I get so tired of hearing people (such as at work, etc...) say things like "Oh, I have a friend who went through the EXACT same thing and after they quit IVF they got pregnant on their own!" Well first of all, I doubt they went through the exact same thing, we all have our own experiences......and secondly, just a word of advice to all friends and coworkers of all 'infertiles' out there - if you want to be a good friend, stop telling us about how you know what we're going through because it took you a year to conceive, or because you "know" someone who went through taking Clomid (which I can't comment on because I never took Clomid - we were unfortunately so infertile that we got bumped straight to IVF), and please stop telling us that if we change our diets or get accupuncture we will get pregnant. And for heaven's sake...... PLEASE stop telling us to "just relax and it'll happen naturally"...that's the worst of all. But, to all friends and coworkers of women like us out there who can't conceive on their own, if you have a legitimate personal experience or story, or you want to just provide support without babymaking advice please do so, it is always welcome.

I don't want to sound ungrateful to any support because I'm not. I have a core group of really supportive coworkers without whom I couldn't get through the day - they cover me to take phone calls about lab results, they cover me so I can get ultrasounds and blood drawn, they cover me for appointments, they give me a shoulder to cry on. So please don't think I am in any way ungrateful, because I'm not. I am blessed to have the people (family, friends, coworkers, blog buddies) in my life that I do.... couldn't do it without all of them.

I am just venting my frustration about those who you cringe when they come to you because you know that they have more "helpful advice." All you girls reading this know what I'm talking about.... I actually have had some of them leave newspaper clippings about infertility and accupuncture, etc... on my desk at work! Can you believe it, if there's anyone who does not need babymaking advice, and if there's anyone who has "tried it all" - it would be ANYONE going through any sort of assisted reproductive therapy. We don't need advice on how to get there naturally, trust me we've tried it all.... the problem is that we can't get there naturally or we wouldn't be going through all this crap! It just frustrates me so much is when people take your situation and turn it around to make it about themselves, their friends, their experiences... whatver. I hope this reads well and does not make me out to sound ungrateful (because I'm the exact opposite of ungrateful).

I hope I'm not coming off like a B*tch but I just had to vent because it's all building up inside, I can feel all the tension inside and that can't be a good environment for Rudy to grow in.
Here's a thank you to all of my new blog buddies for reading and sending your comments, experiences and support. You guys have been awesome. It's so nice to have communications with people who totally understand how all this feels.

*ps....even though the doctor's office told me not to be very hopeful or optimistic, I'm going to hold on to a shread of hope that Rudy may survive.... because you never know.

Here's to Rudy!


Ashley said...

Oh, bummer. Sorry you are going through this. I totally read your blog with a lump in my throat. If I hear that I just should relax and I'll get preggo one more time I'll hit someone. IF is just a journey you can NEVER understand unless you've gone through it. Hang in there.

Io said...

Oh Rudy, why ya gotta do your mama like this?
Shauna, take care of yourself. You must be so tired. I wish there were something better I could say. I'm here if you need anything.

Cece said...

That sucks. I went through the very exact same thing, but mine drew out for almost a month. My HCG made it up to 600... I saw a first little u/s, and THEN things went tits up. Now brace yourself for people giving you rather graphic tellings of when they went through the exact same thing, when it happened, ect ect.

I'm praying it's not ectopic. I've also gone through that - and it REALLY sucks. If you need to talk more, feel free to email me.

The good news in all this is you did get pregnant - even if just 'a little'. Great signs for things to come - my husband called it 'priming my system'.

Anyway - vitual hugs to you. And of course, I'm still rooting for little Rudy.

Kenya said...

Hi I saw you on CeCe's blog. I decided to stop by and tell you that I'm very sorry to hear that. You're experiencing my biggest fear right now and I can't imagine what you're going through. My heart goes out to you.

Jason said...

Just so you know I am not a scum bag, I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for the struggles you are going through and I do hope that you are blessed with the strength to handle what ever the lord has in store for you. No one can predict the future, so I will keep any and all advice to myself. I hope your prayers are answered in the way you seek.

Morrisa said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this! It stinks! I hope that this is the miracle you are hoping for but if not that your number goes down quickly. I als ohate all the assvice that people seem so willing to give out! ((hugs))

emmhollar said...

I really admire your hopeful attitude, that may make all the difference. I hear you about people who just know all the answers. I love to let them get half way through and then say, I HAVE NO TUBES! It never ceases to amaze me how ignorant people can be.

Jillian said...

I don't think that people are ignorant. They are just doing the only thing they think they can do to help. That is all, they think they are helping by telling hopefully stories. I am not saying that they are accomplishing anything by telling stories... But, I can not even imagine the pain and stress you are feeling. Adam and I haven't even tried to have children yet. Just know that we both love you and Greg a lot. And we would do anything for the two of you.