Goodbye Rudy.

I had another blood test this morning and my HCG dropped to 24.

Rudy is gone.

I have to have weekly HCG's per my doctor's request until it gets to zero to make certain that Rudy is not ectopic. I'll see the doctor next Thursday to discuss where we go from here.

I realize that I was only barely pregnant...but I have to say that I still felt Rudy's presence within me and I already miss him (or her) terribly. It's funny how we (women) tend to look so far in the future, I already had Rudy (though with a different name after birth - either Gracie or Andy - Rudy was just my "embryonic name"), I already had little Rudy at home with me, learning how to read, visiting his/her grandparents, playing with Maggie the dog, going to school, making friends...I was already picturing Rudy's future life...and now, Rudy is gone.

OK, so I know that the technical lingo is that a pregnancy is not even considered to have a "viable baby" until 20 weeks (I used to work in the ER and when a pregnant woman came in w/abdominal pain we weren't even allowed to send her to L&D unless she was at least 20 weeks because she wasn't "viable" per medical standards, so we treated her in the ER at 20 weeks or less), so I know that's the 'medical rule'... however, my little embryo, however young and undeveloped, still felt like a potential for a very great life and I already miss that.

I know that someday, in some way, we will have children. Whether it's through more IVF or adoption or a combination of both...I will be a Mommy someday.

But right now, today...I miss Rudy terribly.

The best Mom ever...

My Mom sent me flowers to work today with a card saying:

"Some little kid, one of these days, is going to be really lucky to have you for a Mommy"

She's the best.

Rudy is in a standstill.......

Rudy is in a standstill (which is bad).
I got my HCG drawn today and it was 32.2 (which is not good seeing as it was 31 on Friday). They had said they wanted it at least 100 by today.

The nurse at my MD's office said that the doctor wants me to stay on the progesterone to give it "one more shot" and get my blood redrawn on Wednesday to see the progress (or lack of progress).

She said that he is pretty confident that my HCG will drop by Wednesday (indicating a miscarriage). She said not to get my hopes up at all. (But he did say he was giving it one more shot, right??? And this is Rudy we're talking about! Maybe he'll prove everyone wrong).

She also said that if my HCG level does not change much on Wednesday (either up or down) then I'll have to have an ultrasound on Thursday to make sure I don't have a tubal pregnancy. (Hopefully Rudy didn't go in the tube - stay away from the tube Rudy!).

Anyway, I'm completely emotionally drained right now. I had absolutely no idea how emotionally draining this was going to be - I knew that it would be tough and I knew going into it that it may not work............ but i was no where near prepared to hear someone say "you're pregnant" and then follow it with "you're going to have a miscarriage."

This just blows.

I just had no idea how hard this was going to be (I know all you out there who have been through this before understand).

I must take a moment and vent or I'm going to explode.......please bear with me:

I get so tired of hearing people (such as at work, etc...) say things like "Oh, I have a friend who went through the EXACT same thing and after they quit IVF they got pregnant on their own!" Well first of all, I doubt they went through the exact same thing, we all have our own experiences......and secondly, just a word of advice to all friends and coworkers of all 'infertiles' out there - if you want to be a good friend, stop telling us about how you know what we're going through because it took you a year to conceive, or because you "know" someone who went through taking Clomid (which I can't comment on because I never took Clomid - we were unfortunately so infertile that we got bumped straight to IVF), and please stop telling us that if we change our diets or get accupuncture we will get pregnant. And for heaven's sake...... PLEASE stop telling us to "just relax and it'll happen naturally"...that's the worst of all. But, to all friends and coworkers of women like us out there who can't conceive on their own, if you have a legitimate personal experience or story, or you want to just provide support without babymaking advice please do so, it is always welcome.

I don't want to sound ungrateful to any support because I'm not. I have a core group of really supportive coworkers without whom I couldn't get through the day - they cover me to take phone calls about lab results, they cover me so I can get ultrasounds and blood drawn, they cover me for appointments, they give me a shoulder to cry on. So please don't think I am in any way ungrateful, because I'm not. I am blessed to have the people (family, friends, coworkers, blog buddies) in my life that I do.... couldn't do it without all of them.

I am just venting my frustration about those who you cringe when they come to you because you know that they have more "helpful advice." All you girls reading this know what I'm talking about.... I actually have had some of them leave newspaper clippings about infertility and accupuncture, etc... on my desk at work! Can you believe it, if there's anyone who does not need babymaking advice, and if there's anyone who has "tried it all" - it would be ANYONE going through any sort of assisted reproductive therapy. We don't need advice on how to get there naturally, trust me we've tried it all.... the problem is that we can't get there naturally or we wouldn't be going through all this crap! It just frustrates me so much is when people take your situation and turn it around to make it about themselves, their friends, their experiences... whatver. I hope this reads well and does not make me out to sound ungrateful (because I'm the exact opposite of ungrateful).

I hope I'm not coming off like a B*tch but I just had to vent because it's all building up inside, I can feel all the tension inside and that can't be a good environment for Rudy to grow in.

Here's a thank you to all of my new blog buddies for reading and sending your comments, experiences and support. You guys have been awesome. It's so nice to have communications with people who totally understand how all this feels.

*ps....even though the doctor's office told me not to be very hopeful or optimistic, I'm going to hold on to a shread of hope that Rudy may survive.... because you never know.

Here's to Rudy!

My embryo's name is Rudy......

I just decided I'm going to call my embryo Rudy after the character in the movie Rudy.
My little embryo has all the odds stacked against it and everyone telling it that it's not going to make it, but I believe that it's a fighter (like the kid in Rudy) and will be on top in the end.

I just talked to the nurse at my doctor's office....
She said my HCG is up from 14.4 on Wednesday to 31 today. So it's doubled like it's supposed to.
However, she was quick to say this was not hopeful. WHAT?! I thought doubling was good!

She said doubling was good but that since it is still only at 30 that is very low and she said I will "probably lose it soon and your level will probably be down on Monday." How's that for optimistic? She said that I would need to have a significant HCG spike for it to be a good sign.... or see a heartbeat. What????? That is like light-years away..........

She also said that they have only had one person have a HCG as low as mine and actually end up with a baby.

Whatever. I know from my own nursing career that medical professionals are VERY BAD at predicting the future and I'm hoping that holds true in the case of Rudy the embryo. I'm going to just keep cheering Rudy on until he/she gets stronger and attaches and gives a Kick-Ass HCG level that I can flaunt in front of the IVF nurse and say: We are the SECOND ones who will make it through with a low starting HCG - so there!

(ps. the caption on the Rudy picture says "when people say dreams don't come true, tell them about Rudy" - how appropriate).

Andy Warhol's stupid moment.....

I googled "waiting" to try and find an image to describe how I feel always waiting for an answer with these fertility treatments. If you've read my blog you know that this morning was yet another blood draw... this time to see if my HCG is going up or down. Basically to tell me if I have miscarried or if I possibly have a slight chance at an early pregnancy.

What I found when I googled the word "waiting" and selected images was this print by Andy Warhol. I had to post it because as ANY woman (or man) dealing w/infertility will tell you.... the wait does NOT enhance the excitement of the process.

Maybe waiting to buy a car or a new stove or even a pair of shoes would be more exciting with anticipation and waiting..... but not this constant wait of infertility treatments!

"...Oh no, you can't start treatment this month because you have left over follicles, you have to do birth control pills for another month and then try again...."
"...Come back tomorrow, and then the next day, and then the next day and so on... for more ultrasounds and blood work until your follicles are just perfect...."
"...Wait to call until after 2pm to find out results..."
"...Wait 2 weeks after the embryo transfer to have the HCG drawn to see if you're pregnant..."
"...HCG was too low, but still positive so we don't know.... come back in 48 hours to have it redrawn..."
"...Remember to wait until after 2pm to call for results..."

Andy Warhol didn't know SHIT about waiting.

I guess Andy Warhol never really understood waiting like individuals dealing with infertility treatments understand waiting. Guess he just waited for silly things that needed to be made more exciting by the anticipation of the wait.

Waiting for tests day to day and answers and what-if's day to day does not make it "more exciting" just more excruciating.

What the infertility treatment "waiting" does is take away your present. You have a lessened enjoyment of the present as you are always living in the future and what could possibly happen.
So Andy Warhol.... I have to say that on this idea ..... you are completely, 100%, without a doubt WRONG.

I know this sounds angry.... I'm not angry..... just frustrated, tired and emotionally empty. Thanks to all who have posted support on my blog.

I will post later today w/my blood test results.... hopefully I will know by then if i'm pregnant or not. *Of course, the answer will probably be just to wait a little longer and get rechecked :)

'Kind of pregnant'

I went for my HCG level this morning (in a winter storm - with a winter storm advisory out) before work - My results???????

My HCG level is 14.4 - so the NP at my MD's office said that it should be between 60-100 at this point so it's VERY low she said. However, she also said that technically anything over 6 is 'pregnant.'

So i was telling a co-worker this and she said, "you know... you always hear people say 'you can't be 'kind of pregnant'- but, she says, I think you ARE a 'kind of pregnant'."
I thought this was pretty amusing at the time as I am totally emotionally drained from this whole process.... and now I'm told to come back in 48 hours for another HCG level.

So basically I still don't know if I'm pregnant or not.

She said that maybe the embryo's implanted and then I possibly lost them and now my HCG level is on it's way down so we need to recheck to see if it's going down.

She also said that maybe they just implanted late or did not implant well and will take more time. She did say however that it was "not promising" but I did get her to say that it was "possible."

So I guess that 14.4 is better than 0 at this point.