Results are in (mostly) and more waiting.........

Well, the results are in and my testing came back that I have some type of thrombophilia. However all the tests are not back yet. My doctor wants to push me into another cycle using Heparin (blood thinner) injections twice daily - which mind you would continue for 8 MONTHS if i get pregnant.

So this thrombophilia makes me more prone to clotting which means that is probably the reason my little embryos won't implant correctly - which the heparin would supposedly fix. However - pregnancy is a "pro-thrombotic" state anyway - meaning that anyone is more prone to clotting when they are pregnant, even without thrombophilia. Now, the question I pose to my doctor is WHY would I want to enter a pro-thrombotic state such as pregnancy if I am already pro-thrombotic??? He says "don't worry about it, you'll be on heparin - no problem."

He can't understand my worry. Maybe as a nurse I've seen too much. I have seen people die from pulmonary embolus (blood clot to the lungs) which is the #1 worry. I've also seen people die from bleeding to death from heparin.

So you see my dilemma..........

Anyway - I'm not making any decisions now. I want a second opinion from an actual hematologist, an expert per se. I have an appt with hematology later this month after all my results are in to discuss with this expert physician (who mind you will NOT benefit monetarily from my next cycle.....) to see if he thinks it would be too risky to try and get pregnant. Not that I think my doctor would risk my life to make money.....but the truth is that I work in healthcare.....physicians do get upset when their patients die. But you know what??? When a patient dies, they say "man, that's too bad, I feel horrible, I wish things were different, yada yada yada......" and they MOVE ON to the next patient. So, truthfully, it wouldn't matter that much to him if I died. I am just another patient. That sounds cold - but that's reality.

I HAVE TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF AND BE MY OWN VOICE.

So - the funny thing is, that I am at peace with possibly not doing another cycle and moving on to adoption, etc..... I've always wanted to adopt anyway, even if I could carry a baby.....and this situation has made me realize that I don't want to die. I want to live and raise a family and be an old grandmother with lots of grandkids running around. I don't want to be the heroic 32 year old that died trying to get pregnant. I'd rather be the old grandmother who adopted a bunch of kids and gave them the most loving home possible and is now rewarded with a house full of beautiful grandkids.

I will keep my mind open though in case the hemotologist says the risk is minimal and I should try another cycle. BUT - if he says there is increased risk (and as my infertility doctor says: "all pregnancies are risky anyway"), I will peacefully give up fertility treatments and either search for a surrogate to carry my frozen embryo's, or donate my embryos ----- or adopt, which again I want to do someday anyway.

So, that is what I know for now.
More waiting.

Vote for me!!!

I got the results (most of them anyway.....) and they are not good. I will post later with the details.

In the meantime (my groceries are melting while I type this......) here's a link to a contest I entered - I would ask that you click the link and vote for me!!! It's only a click of the mouse and you can vote once a day.

thanks a million

http://www.brickfish.com/Pages/PhotosAlbums/PhotoView.aspx?picid=674263_12894945&pid=1371531&scid=327&=HP_all_PPIMEMAIL_PPIMEMAIL&isep=1&pbapi=1375374&pbvi=44705828&pdi=2366

Next Step........

Scheduled for lab work Tuesday and follow up appt on Halloween for results/plan.
Lab work includes:

Antiphospholipid Antibody Panel (which includes the following):
1. Anti-Cardiolipin
2. Anti-Phospholipid
3. Lupus Anti-Coagulant
4. Anti-Beta2 Glycoprotein
5. PTT

Thrombophilia Panel (which includes the following):
1. Antithrombin Activity
2. APTT
3. Factor V Leiden Coag
4. PAI-1 Activity
5. Protein C Activity
6. Protein S Activity
7. Prothrombin
8. MTHFR

Sperm DNA Fragmentation.

Whew......

Second IVF Failure........

I haven't blogged about my second IVF cycle because I feel like I have a tendency towards being a little negative when I blog at times and I wanted to be completely positive in my attitude towards my second IVF cycle.

Today was my HCG level after my second IVF.......the result was 0.1 which means not pregnant by a long shot.

So anyway, I see my doctor tomorrow to discuss what to do now. I spoke with him on the phone today and he said since my embryos are all "perfect" and my lining was "perfect" and my labwork was "perfect" both times......that now he needs me to do some testing to find out why I can't implant ("get pregnant"). Testing for thrombophelia, killer cells, etc...... We'll talk more tomorrow.

So.....now I am walking down a little longer infertility road than I thought I'd be walking down. I thought that we could bypass the low sperm count and the PCOS by doing the IVF.....putting the little embryos right where they need to be......but now it turns out I am a little more broken than I thought I was and I can't seem to get my embryos to implant even when everything is "perfect."

Oddly enough....I think I'm doing ok mentally. Sure it sucks, sure I'm sad........but I feel even more confident that some way, some day, some how I will have my babies. Whether I carry them, whether we adopt them, whether I use a surrogate.......(a work friend offered to be my surrogate today - it was one of the most awesome things anyone has ever said to me)........I know that the road to my kids is just a little longer and more complicated than some (and I'm sure less complicated than some). It's just that.....it's my road and I have to walk it and figure it out. But I know that some how in the future - I will have my kids.

Round Two...

Gonna try again!
Re-starting BCP tonight (woo hoo) and then my endometrial biopsy is scheduled for Friday 9-5 and my first ultrasound/labs are scheduled for Friday 9-12. So that's not too far away...I guess I didn't screw it up too much. ha ha!
So tired right now...too tired to post...been at work since 7am (it's now 9pm)...I'm gonna take my MaggieDog and snuggle in bed and call it quits for the night.
Catch up with everything later - goodnight.

Sometimes the simplest things can be soooo difficult...

As I prepared for my appt today w/my fertility doctor I was counting my leftover meds from last cycle to take a list in so I didn't have to order stuff that I already had enough of. (My drug company screwed up last time with the packing - cold vs not cold - anyway it's a long story and ended up with too much Ganirelix. I notified them and they were going to send me packing stuff to send it back. They never sent me the box to send it back to them after I spoke w/the pharmacist - so score for me - I have 6 boxes of Ganirelix left over - woo hoo!) Anyway, that's besides the point (I just wanted to put a little cheery news in there before I drop the bomb...)...

So....my appt today was to set up the cycle, order meds, sign consents, have my mock transfer and my endometrial biopsy. However, as I was preparing for the cycle by gathering up all my meds I noticed that my Birth Control Pills are not the right count. I have a week too many left. Where I should have only had 5 pills left as of today I had 12 pills. WTF??? I got out my calendar and my pill container (I admit...I use the old people pill containers to keep all my meds straight) and I know that I took my BCP this last week because I have a BCP in today's section and it's time to refill my pill container again for the week. And I know that I took the pills starting the Wednesday the end of July when I started AF. So....I must have missed the first week of August. I must not have put the pills in my pill container for the week - so I can't believe it - I missed a WHOLE WEEK of BCP's!!!

Possibly what happened is that the first week of August I had to increase my Synthroid because my TSH was not low enough and instead of getting a new Rx (I had a ton of 100mcg tabs left) I just added a 50mcg tab in addition to my 100mcg tab. My new 50mcg tab is little and white just like my BCP so I wonder if when I was filling my pill containers (like I'm 90 years old...) I saw the 50mcg Synthroid and my brain thought it was my BCP. Who knows...I can't believe I didn't notice for a whole week!

My med regimen is:
Metformin ER 5oomg tabs- 2 tabs every morning and 2 tabs every evening
Synthroid 150mcg daily (taking 1oomcg tab and 50mcg tab)
Aspirin 81mg daily
Toprol XL 50mg daily
Primacare ONE prenatal vitamin daily
LoEstrin FE BCPs Daily

So while that is only 6 different meds...it is a grand total of 10 pills a day.
And what really makes it hard to believe that I missed a week is that I have been so super careful about not missing any doses of anything and trying to do everything just perfect...I can't believe I did that!

So needless to say, everything got cancelled today for my cycle start up. Bummer. So I was told to stop the pill today, wait until AF starts again, then call in to re-set everything up AND go back on the pill for a month again.

So maybe a July baby instead of a June baby...... :P

New Look, New Outlook...

As you'll notice...my blog has a new look. Kind of symbolic I suppose....as I embark on IVF again I am going to try to keep optimistic this time. No more negativity. (So if you hear negativity - give me a slap on the hands...I'm turning a new leaf this time). I'm going to be positive.

I recently read this book/saw the film called "The Secret." You may have seen the Oprah episode featuring this...if not click the link. The website is kind of hocus pocus but the the book/movie is pretty good. I think I am going to try to keep to their teaching of positive thinking and the law of attraction with this IVF cycle. Instead of saying things like "if it works" and "my next try," I'm going to stop that negative type of speaking and say things like "when it works."

It's crazy how wierd and unnatural it feels to be so optimistic.