Vote for me!!!

I got the results (most of them anyway.....) and they are not good. I will post later with the details.

In the meantime (my groceries are melting while I type this......) here's a link to a contest I entered - I would ask that you click the link and vote for me!!! It's only a click of the mouse and you can vote once a day.

thanks a million

http://www.brickfish.com/Pages/PhotosAlbums/PhotoView.aspx?picid=674263_12894945&pid=1371531&scid=327&=HP_all_PPIMEMAIL_PPIMEMAIL&isep=1&pbapi=1375374&pbvi=44705828&pdi=2366

Next Step........

Scheduled for lab work Tuesday and follow up appt on Halloween for results/plan.
Lab work includes:

Antiphospholipid Antibody Panel (which includes the following):
1. Anti-Cardiolipin
2. Anti-Phospholipid
3. Lupus Anti-Coagulant
4. Anti-Beta2 Glycoprotein
5. PTT

Thrombophilia Panel (which includes the following):
1. Antithrombin Activity
2. APTT
3. Factor V Leiden Coag
4. PAI-1 Activity
5. Protein C Activity
6. Protein S Activity
7. Prothrombin
8. MTHFR

Sperm DNA Fragmentation.

Whew......

Second IVF Failure........

I haven't blogged about my second IVF cycle because I feel like I have a tendency towards being a little negative when I blog at times and I wanted to be completely positive in my attitude towards my second IVF cycle.

Today was my HCG level after my second IVF.......the result was 0.1 which means not pregnant by a long shot.

So anyway, I see my doctor tomorrow to discuss what to do now. I spoke with him on the phone today and he said since my embryos are all "perfect" and my lining was "perfect" and my labwork was "perfect" both times......that now he needs me to do some testing to find out why I can't implant ("get pregnant"). Testing for thrombophelia, killer cells, etc...... We'll talk more tomorrow.

So.....now I am walking down a little longer infertility road than I thought I'd be walking down. I thought that we could bypass the low sperm count and the PCOS by doing the IVF.....putting the little embryos right where they need to be......but now it turns out I am a little more broken than I thought I was and I can't seem to get my embryos to implant even when everything is "perfect."

Oddly enough....I think I'm doing ok mentally. Sure it sucks, sure I'm sad........but I feel even more confident that some way, some day, some how I will have my babies. Whether I carry them, whether we adopt them, whether I use a surrogate.......(a work friend offered to be my surrogate today - it was one of the most awesome things anyone has ever said to me)........I know that the road to my kids is just a little longer and more complicated than some (and I'm sure less complicated than some). It's just that.....it's my road and I have to walk it and figure it out. But I know that some how in the future - I will have my kids.

Round Two...

Gonna try again!
Re-starting BCP tonight (woo hoo) and then my endometrial biopsy is scheduled for Friday 9-5 and my first ultrasound/labs are scheduled for Friday 9-12. So that's not too far away...I guess I didn't screw it up too much. ha ha!
So tired right now...too tired to post...been at work since 7am (it's now 9pm)...I'm gonna take my MaggieDog and snuggle in bed and call it quits for the night.
Catch up with everything later - goodnight.

Sometimes the simplest things can be soooo difficult...

As I prepared for my appt today w/my fertility doctor I was counting my leftover meds from last cycle to take a list in so I didn't have to order stuff that I already had enough of. (My drug company screwed up last time with the packing - cold vs not cold - anyway it's a long story and ended up with too much Ganirelix. I notified them and they were going to send me packing stuff to send it back. They never sent me the box to send it back to them after I spoke w/the pharmacist - so score for me - I have 6 boxes of Ganirelix left over - woo hoo!) Anyway, that's besides the point (I just wanted to put a little cheery news in there before I drop the bomb...)...

So....my appt today was to set up the cycle, order meds, sign consents, have my mock transfer and my endometrial biopsy. However, as I was preparing for the cycle by gathering up all my meds I noticed that my Birth Control Pills are not the right count. I have a week too many left. Where I should have only had 5 pills left as of today I had 12 pills. WTF??? I got out my calendar and my pill container (I admit...I use the old people pill containers to keep all my meds straight) and I know that I took my BCP this last week because I have a BCP in today's section and it's time to refill my pill container again for the week. And I know that I took the pills starting the Wednesday the end of July when I started AF. So....I must have missed the first week of August. I must not have put the pills in my pill container for the week - so I can't believe it - I missed a WHOLE WEEK of BCP's!!!

Possibly what happened is that the first week of August I had to increase my Synthroid because my TSH was not low enough and instead of getting a new Rx (I had a ton of 100mcg tabs left) I just added a 50mcg tab in addition to my 100mcg tab. My new 50mcg tab is little and white just like my BCP so I wonder if when I was filling my pill containers (like I'm 90 years old...) I saw the 50mcg Synthroid and my brain thought it was my BCP. Who knows...I can't believe I didn't notice for a whole week!

My med regimen is:
Metformin ER 5oomg tabs- 2 tabs every morning and 2 tabs every evening
Synthroid 150mcg daily (taking 1oomcg tab and 50mcg tab)
Aspirin 81mg daily
Toprol XL 50mg daily
Primacare ONE prenatal vitamin daily
LoEstrin FE BCPs Daily

So while that is only 6 different meds...it is a grand total of 10 pills a day.
And what really makes it hard to believe that I missed a week is that I have been so super careful about not missing any doses of anything and trying to do everything just perfect...I can't believe I did that!

So needless to say, everything got cancelled today for my cycle start up. Bummer. So I was told to stop the pill today, wait until AF starts again, then call in to re-set everything up AND go back on the pill for a month again.

So maybe a July baby instead of a June baby...... :P

New Look, New Outlook...

As you'll notice...my blog has a new look. Kind of symbolic I suppose....as I embark on IVF again I am going to try to keep optimistic this time. No more negativity. (So if you hear negativity - give me a slap on the hands...I'm turning a new leaf this time). I'm going to be positive.

I recently read this book/saw the film called "The Secret." You may have seen the Oprah episode featuring this...if not click the link. The website is kind of hocus pocus but the the book/movie is pretty good. I think I am going to try to keep to their teaching of positive thinking and the law of attraction with this IVF cycle. Instead of saying things like "if it works" and "my next try," I'm going to stop that negative type of speaking and say things like "when it works."

It's crazy how wierd and unnatural it feels to be so optimistic.

Unexpected reaction.....

My work friend who is, I don't know, probably about 6 months or 7 months pregnant asked me if I wanted to "feel her baby move" today by touching her belly.

Now...let me give you a little background. This friend has gone through "infertility treatments" before to have her first daughter. I put "infertility treatments" in quotes because she only did one round of clomid and got pregnant. That was 4 years ago. I realize this is technically an infertility treatment...but it is no where to the extent that many of us have had to endure. I don't think it comes anywhere near multiple IUI's or IVF's.

Anywhoo... she was very supportive during my IVF earlier this year. She even brought me food during my bedrest time, gave me shots when I needed them....she is a great friend and I love her. I just don't think that she has a clue what I am going through. (Otherwise she wouldn't have asked me to touch her belly....).

By the way.....I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it.
I thought for sure I could, but I couldn't....... and I'm even planning on throwing her a baby shower...no problem with that, I just can't believe that I couldn't touch that moving little baby inside her belly. When she asked me to and started to move closer to me - I instantly felt extremely anxious inside and I could feel the tears welling up. If I had felt that little baby move...I think the waterworks would have started. Not because I'm not happy for her and not because I don't think she should be pregnant or anything.....she's a good person, her hubby's a good person and their little girl is great. I'm glad she's pregnant and is having a great life. I truly am glad for her. Really. I wish nothing but the best for her and her family.

I do have to say that it did really upset me though when she first found out she was pregnant and was constantly complaining to me about things that just really are small in the big picture. Such as: not being able to get her personal best time in the marathon she was going to run, and also about how nauseous she was feeling and about the fact that she was "bummed out" that she was having another girl instead of a boy like she wanted. Oh my gosh...I would literally cut off my leg (I'm not joking) to be pregnant. She was very sensitive about telling me that she was pregnant (she did it in private). However, I thought she would have been a little more sensitive about all the other issues. I guess I probably wasn't very sensitive to people dealing with infertility issues until I went through it myself either...you just don't understand unless you've been there.

I've never said anything to her because she's sensitive and I care about her WAY too much to ever hurt her feelings. I just listen and empathize...there have been times when a bunch of us will be talking and it was too much and I had to get up and leave. I would just say I had work to do....I just have to get away from pregnancies and babies sometimes.

It's not just her...sometimes I just need a break from all the pregnancies, the babies, the baby pictures, the planning, the kids in church and in the stores that I see and sometimes start spontaneously crying because of. I just can't believe how much infertility hurts right down deep to the core of your soul. You try to put on a brave face and listen to the pregnancy stories and hold those babies.....but sometimes it's just too much and you need a little sensitivity in return. Even from those who don't and can not understand. Even those people....sometimes just need to be a little extra sensitive because the world of infertility SUCKS big-time.

So.......I just couldn't bring myself to touch my friend's belly today.....I hope I didn't hurt her feelings. (Maybe I'll tell her why tomorrow....I'm worrried I hurt her feelings).