so sad

got this message on facebook:

Noah Biorkman is a 5yr old boy who is in his last stages of neuroblastoma cancer after a 2 1/2 year battle. His family is celebrating Christmas next week and all he wants are xmas cards. Lets try and see how many we can get to him from all over the world please. His address is 1141 Fountain View Circle, South Lyon, MI ...48178.

I checked this story out on snopes........it is true.
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/medical/biorkman.asp

please send cards to let this little boy know you are thinking of him. Thanks. Shauna

too tired to post - cute picture instead :) !!!!!!

Attack of the baby touchers.......

I'd like to open a dialogue (with all 2 of my readers....LOL), about WHY people think it's OK to touch and slobber over someone else's baby? I'm talking about situations such as in the grocery store, department store, whatever......where a stranger walks up and physically touches your baby. I want to know from the baby touchers out there exactly WHY they think that is OK?

I was in Target yesterday and stopped on my way out at the snack bar to get a mango smoothie and a soft pretzel (yum) and walked to the other end of the shopping cart to pay the cashier, when I turned around there was a woman (now she looked fine, was clean and appeared sane) not just talking to Andy (which I think is totally fine) but actually had her hand in his carrier touching him! OMG - get your grubby paws off my baby! (I think that actually came thru on the look of my face even though I smiled at her because she backed off a little). She then made small talk about the usual "boy or girl, how old, etc..." ---- as I was pulling him away from her space so she could get to the cash register she said "well....he WAS smiling at me!" Like because he smiled at her that gave her the OK to reach her hands into his space and touch him.

Ok - I'm ready for it......give me the 30 lashings with a wet noodle if you think I deserve it......if you think I'm being over protective and rude......I'm ready!

I have no issue with people looking at Andy, talking to him, asking questions (i didn't even get upset when he used to have to wear the tape on his face and people would ask "what's wrong with him" in their best "I'm curious but trying not to be rude voice")......but TOUCHING is not cool people.....unless you're invited to do so, my vote is don't touch other people's babies!

Also.....If you're a creepy guy - don't approach a mom and a baby who are shopping alone and corner them! That happened last week at Meijers.....a quite dirty man with teeth that were the color of fresh sweet corn cornered me in the bread aisle and totally invaded my personal space while peering his head over Andy's carrier (I have a thing with personal space.....I get claustrophobic if you're in my space)....anyway, I was polite, smiled and tried to move on with my shopping only Mr Creepy McCorn-teeth kept following me (in my space may I add) until it got to the point that I started getting panicky that he wouldn't back off.....I thought in my head "one last try, i'll try to walk away again and if he doesn't back off I'm going to loose the politeness and tell him to back off." I again, smiled at him and moved on with my shopping and he backed off that time.......It took quite an effort to get away though.

I don't get it......I don't think I ever touched someone else's baby un-invited.......have you? Now....I have grabbed toddlers that were headed out the door I'm standing by if I see them running out the door by themselves with their parents frantically trying to chase them down yelling "no, no...Jimmy STOP!!!" Then I reach down and grab them for the parent - because it's for their safety......but I have never reached into someone's baby carrier at touched their child.

Anyway - I'd be interested to hear people from the other side's opinion....where are the baby touchers? I want to know from them why they think it's oK? Maybe I'll change my mind.......but probably not.

Baby Einstein = Happy Baby

Just a quick post to say I'M IN LOVE WITH BABY EINSTEIN. oh goodness.......love the baby einstein.
Now don't think that I have Andy watch endless hours of TV a day or anything........the tapes are only 30 minutes long and when he's fussy once a day (maybe twice on a really fussy day)....I pull his swing up to the TV, put in Baby Einstein, and instant silence while he sits there fully glued to the pictures chewing on his fingers.
Usually this 30 minutes of "educational" TV is enough to calm him down from whatever fit he may be throwing at the time.
So yes, I admit........Baby Einstein rocks!

Just a cute little bath time video - guaranteed to make you smile!

I love my little Andy..........

He makes me smile every single day.

(even when I want to pull my hair out from the screaming, crying and puking....the next minute he'll make me smile). I wouldn't trade him for anything.

2 Months Old!!!

well really....more like 10 weeks.....but counting this pic as the 2 month picture! so cute!!!

Mother's Day

Thank you to all of you who left comments on Andy's pictures - I too think he looks amazing. (He also IS amazing).

I wanted to say Happy Mother's Day to everyone and also to everyone struggling with infertility and loss (I know that road as well) - I wanted to wish you peace and comfort on this day and every day.

I am going to go enjoy my first Mother's Day with my sweet little boy - I think I hear him calling for me now.

Andy's surgery

I wanted to post some before and after pics of Andy. The surgery was such a blessing for him. He can breathe and eat so much better now. And he looks great. Next surgery is not until March/April 2010.

This picture is immediately before surgery in the waiting room at the hospital. 5/5/09

This is immediately after surgery 5/5/09.

This is one day post op in the PICU 5/6/09.

This is 2 days post-op at home in his beloved swing. 5/7/09

surgery

Andy is having his first surgery tomorrow - please wish/pray for him a successful surgery and speedy recovery.

Quit???

I'm thinking about quitting my blog. I'm finding that I don't really feel like posting and I've never had very many people read it anyway........I don't know. Just thinking about quitting. We'll see.

Andrew Jack

So.....the story of Andrew Jack.

On Sunday 3/22 my mom called me at 9pm and said "there is a baby at the hospital with a cleft lip and palate that needs adopted. Are you interested?" I said....."what are you talking about?"

You see, my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while now. We have been through 2 failed IVF cycles and were going to try another one this summer. We thought about adoption but hadn't registered with an agency yet as we were still going to try more IVF first. (Adoption seeming to be so expensive and all.......).

Anyway, there's a labor and delivery nurse at the hospital (we'll call her "nurse baby" in this note). So "nurse baby" is a patient at the doctors office where my mom works as a medical assistant. And a while back, my mom being as talkative as she is with everyone (she makes friends with everyone she meets.....) she told her of our troubles and said "if you ever have a baby that needs a home give me a call." So "nurse baby" was working on Sunday (on a day she usually doesn't work and in post-partum that she usually doesn't work in) and she got assigned to the birth mother who wanted to give her baby up. "Nurse baby" remembered us/my mom and found the home phone number for the receptionist at the doctors office and called and asked her for my mom's number. She called my mom....then my mom called me.

Greg and I went up Sunday night at 10pm to see baby and birth mom. We spoke with her for quite some time.....came back the next morning and spoke with the social work, plastic surgery, financial counselors, nurses, and a lawyer.....and less than 24 hours after getting the call we were signing our initial paperwork for adoption.He had to stay a couple days in the NICU as he had to get put to sleep to get impressions made for his mouth as he is getting a splint made and fitted this coming Monday to help him eat better until his cleft palate and lip are repaired.

He is wonderful, perfect and we love him with all our hearts.

I feel that there were so many factors that had to be aligned for this to happen.......I think that God and our guardian angels/guides were looking out for us and I truly believe that he is meant to be ours.

His name is Andrew Jack. Andrew because that was our boy name that we had picked out with the IVF's. And Jack because when birth mom decided to give him up and we hadn't been called yet (we met him when he was 15 hours old).....the nursery nurses decided to "adopt" him and give him a name. They named him Jack. So we are keeping that as his middle name to honor those nurses that cared for him as their own during those 15 hours he was alone.

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts, prayers and support.

News!!!!!!!

I haven't posted in a long time because there was nothing to post about.

However.....THINGS HAVE CHANGED.

We (emergently) adopted a baby on Monday of this week!

It was a complete surprise.......

We were not even in the adoption process currently......

It is a long and complicated story that I will post later on because right now I have to take little Andy to the family doc for his first checkup.

Will post the whole wonderful teriffic story very soon i promise! :)

Results are in (mostly) and more waiting.........

Well, the results are in and my testing came back that I have some type of thrombophilia. However all the tests are not back yet. My doctor wants to push me into another cycle using Heparin (blood thinner) injections twice daily - which mind you would continue for 8 MONTHS if i get pregnant.

So this thrombophilia makes me more prone to clotting which means that is probably the reason my little embryos won't implant correctly - which the heparin would supposedly fix. However - pregnancy is a "pro-thrombotic" state anyway - meaning that anyone is more prone to clotting when they are pregnant, even without thrombophilia. Now, the question I pose to my doctor is WHY would I want to enter a pro-thrombotic state such as pregnancy if I am already pro-thrombotic??? He says "don't worry about it, you'll be on heparin - no problem."

He can't understand my worry. Maybe as a nurse I've seen too much. I have seen people die from pulmonary embolus (blood clot to the lungs) which is the #1 worry. I've also seen people die from bleeding to death from heparin.

So you see my dilemma..........

Anyway - I'm not making any decisions now. I want a second opinion from an actual hematologist, an expert per se. I have an appt with hematology later this month after all my results are in to discuss with this expert physician (who mind you will NOT benefit monetarily from my next cycle.....) to see if he thinks it would be too risky to try and get pregnant. Not that I think my doctor would risk my life to make money.....but the truth is that I work in healthcare.....physicians do get upset when their patients die. But you know what??? When a patient dies, they say "man, that's too bad, I feel horrible, I wish things were different, yada yada yada......" and they MOVE ON to the next patient. So, truthfully, it wouldn't matter that much to him if I died. I am just another patient. That sounds cold - but that's reality.

I HAVE TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF AND BE MY OWN VOICE.

So - the funny thing is, that I am at peace with possibly not doing another cycle and moving on to adoption, etc..... I've always wanted to adopt anyway, even if I could carry a baby.....and this situation has made me realize that I don't want to die. I want to live and raise a family and be an old grandmother with lots of grandkids running around. I don't want to be the heroic 32 year old that died trying to get pregnant. I'd rather be the old grandmother who adopted a bunch of kids and gave them the most loving home possible and is now rewarded with a house full of beautiful grandkids.

I will keep my mind open though in case the hemotologist says the risk is minimal and I should try another cycle. BUT - if he says there is increased risk (and as my infertility doctor says: "all pregnancies are risky anyway"), I will peacefully give up fertility treatments and either search for a surrogate to carry my frozen embryo's, or donate my embryos ----- or adopt, which again I want to do someday anyway.

So, that is what I know for now.
More waiting.

Vote for me!!!

I got the results (most of them anyway.....) and they are not good. I will post later with the details.

In the meantime (my groceries are melting while I type this......) here's a link to a contest I entered - I would ask that you click the link and vote for me!!! It's only a click of the mouse and you can vote once a day.

thanks a million

http://www.brickfish.com/Pages/PhotosAlbums/PhotoView.aspx?picid=674263_12894945&pid=1371531&scid=327&=HP_all_PPIMEMAIL_PPIMEMAIL&isep=1&pbapi=1375374&pbvi=44705828&pdi=2366

Next Step........

Scheduled for lab work Tuesday and follow up appt on Halloween for results/plan.
Lab work includes:

Antiphospholipid Antibody Panel (which includes the following):
1. Anti-Cardiolipin
2. Anti-Phospholipid
3. Lupus Anti-Coagulant
4. Anti-Beta2 Glycoprotein
5. PTT

Thrombophilia Panel (which includes the following):
1. Antithrombin Activity
2. APTT
3. Factor V Leiden Coag
4. PAI-1 Activity
5. Protein C Activity
6. Protein S Activity
7. Prothrombin
8. MTHFR

Sperm DNA Fragmentation.

Whew......

Second IVF Failure........

I haven't blogged about my second IVF cycle because I feel like I have a tendency towards being a little negative when I blog at times and I wanted to be completely positive in my attitude towards my second IVF cycle.

Today was my HCG level after my second IVF.......the result was 0.1 which means not pregnant by a long shot.

So anyway, I see my doctor tomorrow to discuss what to do now. I spoke with him on the phone today and he said since my embryos are all "perfect" and my lining was "perfect" and my labwork was "perfect" both times......that now he needs me to do some testing to find out why I can't implant ("get pregnant"). Testing for thrombophelia, killer cells, etc...... We'll talk more tomorrow.

So.....now I am walking down a little longer infertility road than I thought I'd be walking down. I thought that we could bypass the low sperm count and the PCOS by doing the IVF.....putting the little embryos right where they need to be......but now it turns out I am a little more broken than I thought I was and I can't seem to get my embryos to implant even when everything is "perfect."

Oddly enough....I think I'm doing ok mentally. Sure it sucks, sure I'm sad........but I feel even more confident that some way, some day, some how I will have my babies. Whether I carry them, whether we adopt them, whether I use a surrogate.......(a work friend offered to be my surrogate today - it was one of the most awesome things anyone has ever said to me)........I know that the road to my kids is just a little longer and more complicated than some (and I'm sure less complicated than some). It's just that.....it's my road and I have to walk it and figure it out. But I know that some how in the future - I will have my kids.

Round Two...

Gonna try again!
Re-starting BCP tonight (woo hoo) and then my endometrial biopsy is scheduled for Friday 9-5 and my first ultrasound/labs are scheduled for Friday 9-12. So that's not too far away...I guess I didn't screw it up too much. ha ha!
So tired right now...too tired to post...been at work since 7am (it's now 9pm)...I'm gonna take my MaggieDog and snuggle in bed and call it quits for the night.
Catch up with everything later - goodnight.

Sometimes the simplest things can be soooo difficult...

As I prepared for my appt today w/my fertility doctor I was counting my leftover meds from last cycle to take a list in so I didn't have to order stuff that I already had enough of. (My drug company screwed up last time with the packing - cold vs not cold - anyway it's a long story and ended up with too much Ganirelix. I notified them and they were going to send me packing stuff to send it back. They never sent me the box to send it back to them after I spoke w/the pharmacist - so score for me - I have 6 boxes of Ganirelix left over - woo hoo!) Anyway, that's besides the point (I just wanted to put a little cheery news in there before I drop the bomb...)...

So....my appt today was to set up the cycle, order meds, sign consents, have my mock transfer and my endometrial biopsy. However, as I was preparing for the cycle by gathering up all my meds I noticed that my Birth Control Pills are not the right count. I have a week too many left. Where I should have only had 5 pills left as of today I had 12 pills. WTF??? I got out my calendar and my pill container (I admit...I use the old people pill containers to keep all my meds straight) and I know that I took my BCP this last week because I have a BCP in today's section and it's time to refill my pill container again for the week. And I know that I took the pills starting the Wednesday the end of July when I started AF. So....I must have missed the first week of August. I must not have put the pills in my pill container for the week - so I can't believe it - I missed a WHOLE WEEK of BCP's!!!

Possibly what happened is that the first week of August I had to increase my Synthroid because my TSH was not low enough and instead of getting a new Rx (I had a ton of 100mcg tabs left) I just added a 50mcg tab in addition to my 100mcg tab. My new 50mcg tab is little and white just like my BCP so I wonder if when I was filling my pill containers (like I'm 90 years old...) I saw the 50mcg Synthroid and my brain thought it was my BCP. Who knows...I can't believe I didn't notice for a whole week!

My med regimen is:
Metformin ER 5oomg tabs- 2 tabs every morning and 2 tabs every evening
Synthroid 150mcg daily (taking 1oomcg tab and 50mcg tab)
Aspirin 81mg daily
Toprol XL 50mg daily
Primacare ONE prenatal vitamin daily
LoEstrin FE BCPs Daily

So while that is only 6 different meds...it is a grand total of 10 pills a day.
And what really makes it hard to believe that I missed a week is that I have been so super careful about not missing any doses of anything and trying to do everything just perfect...I can't believe I did that!

So needless to say, everything got cancelled today for my cycle start up. Bummer. So I was told to stop the pill today, wait until AF starts again, then call in to re-set everything up AND go back on the pill for a month again.

So maybe a July baby instead of a June baby...... :P

New Look, New Outlook...

As you'll notice...my blog has a new look. Kind of symbolic I suppose....as I embark on IVF again I am going to try to keep optimistic this time. No more negativity. (So if you hear negativity - give me a slap on the hands...I'm turning a new leaf this time). I'm going to be positive.

I recently read this book/saw the film called "The Secret." You may have seen the Oprah episode featuring this...if not click the link. The website is kind of hocus pocus but the the book/movie is pretty good. I think I am going to try to keep to their teaching of positive thinking and the law of attraction with this IVF cycle. Instead of saying things like "if it works" and "my next try," I'm going to stop that negative type of speaking and say things like "when it works."

It's crazy how wierd and unnatural it feels to be so optimistic.

Unexpected reaction.....

My work friend who is, I don't know, probably about 6 months or 7 months pregnant asked me if I wanted to "feel her baby move" today by touching her belly.

Now...let me give you a little background. This friend has gone through "infertility treatments" before to have her first daughter. I put "infertility treatments" in quotes because she only did one round of clomid and got pregnant. That was 4 years ago. I realize this is technically an infertility treatment...but it is no where to the extent that many of us have had to endure. I don't think it comes anywhere near multiple IUI's or IVF's.

Anywhoo... she was very supportive during my IVF earlier this year. She even brought me food during my bedrest time, gave me shots when I needed them....she is a great friend and I love her. I just don't think that she has a clue what I am going through. (Otherwise she wouldn't have asked me to touch her belly....).

By the way.....I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it.
I thought for sure I could, but I couldn't....... and I'm even planning on throwing her a baby shower...no problem with that, I just can't believe that I couldn't touch that moving little baby inside her belly. When she asked me to and started to move closer to me - I instantly felt extremely anxious inside and I could feel the tears welling up. If I had felt that little baby move...I think the waterworks would have started. Not because I'm not happy for her and not because I don't think she should be pregnant or anything.....she's a good person, her hubby's a good person and their little girl is great. I'm glad she's pregnant and is having a great life. I truly am glad for her. Really. I wish nothing but the best for her and her family.

I do have to say that it did really upset me though when she first found out she was pregnant and was constantly complaining to me about things that just really are small in the big picture. Such as: not being able to get her personal best time in the marathon she was going to run, and also about how nauseous she was feeling and about the fact that she was "bummed out" that she was having another girl instead of a boy like she wanted. Oh my gosh...I would literally cut off my leg (I'm not joking) to be pregnant. She was very sensitive about telling me that she was pregnant (she did it in private). However, I thought she would have been a little more sensitive about all the other issues. I guess I probably wasn't very sensitive to people dealing with infertility issues until I went through it myself either...you just don't understand unless you've been there.

I've never said anything to her because she's sensitive and I care about her WAY too much to ever hurt her feelings. I just listen and empathize...there have been times when a bunch of us will be talking and it was too much and I had to get up and leave. I would just say I had work to do....I just have to get away from pregnancies and babies sometimes.

It's not just her...sometimes I just need a break from all the pregnancies, the babies, the baby pictures, the planning, the kids in church and in the stores that I see and sometimes start spontaneously crying because of. I just can't believe how much infertility hurts right down deep to the core of your soul. You try to put on a brave face and listen to the pregnancy stories and hold those babies.....but sometimes it's just too much and you need a little sensitivity in return. Even from those who don't and can not understand. Even those people....sometimes just need to be a little extra sensitive because the world of infertility SUCKS big-time.

So.......I just couldn't bring myself to touch my friend's belly today.....I hope I didn't hurt her feelings. (Maybe I'll tell her why tomorrow....I'm worrried I hurt her feelings).