Thoughts from my life

so sad

2009-11-05T07:53:00.000-08:00

got this message on facebook:

Noah Biorkman is a 5yr old boy who is in his last stages of neuroblastoma cancer after a 2 1/2 year battle. His family is celebrating Christmas next week and all he wants are xmas cards. Lets try and see how many we can get to him from all over the world please. His address is 1141 Fountain View Circle, South Lyon, MI ...48178.

I checked this story out on snopes........it is true.
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/medical/biorkman.asp

please send cards to let this little boy know you are thinking of him. Thanks. Shauna

too tired to post - cute picture instead :) !!!!!!

2009-10-09T21:04:00.000-07:00

Attack of the baby touchers.......

2009-07-19T06:17:00.000-07:00

I'd like to open a dialogue (with all 2 of my readers....LOL), about WHY people think it's OK to touch and slobber over someone else's baby? I'm talking about situations such as in the grocery store, department store, whatever......where a stranger walks up and physically touches your baby. I want to know from the baby touchers out there exactly WHY they think that is OK?

I was in Target yesterday and stopped on my way out at the snack bar to get a mango smoothie and a soft pretzel (yum) and walked to the other end of the shopping cart to pay the cashier, when I turned around there was a woman (now she looked fine, was clean and appeared sane) not just talking to Andy (which I think is totally fine) but actually had her hand in his carrier touching him! OMG - get your grubby paws off my baby! (I think that actually came thru on the look of my face even though I smiled at her because she backed off a little). She then made small talk about the usual "boy or girl, how old, etc..." ---- as I was pulling him away from her space so she could get to the cash register she said "well....he WAS smiling at me!" Like because he smiled at her that gave her the OK to reach her hands into his space and touch him.

Ok - I'm ready for it......give me the 30 lashings with a wet noodle if you think I deserve it......if you think I'm being over protective and rude......I'm ready!

I have no issue with people looking at Andy, talking to him, asking questions (i didn't even get upset when he used to have to wear the tape on his face and people would ask "what's wrong with him" in their best "I'm curious but trying not to be rude voice")......but TOUCHING is not cool people.....unless you're invited to do so, my vote is don't touch other people's babies!

Also.....If you're a creepy guy - don't approach a mom and a baby who are shopping alone and corner them! That happened last week at Meijers.....a quite dirty man with teeth that were the color of fresh sweet corn cornered me in the bread aisle and totally invaded my personal space while peering his head over Andy's carrier (I have a thing with personal space.....I get claustrophobic if you're in my space)....anyway, I was polite, smiled and tried to move on with my shopping only Mr Creepy McCorn-teeth kept following me (in my space may I add) until it got to the point that I started getting panicky that he wouldn't back off.....I thought in my head "one last try, i'll try to walk away again and if he doesn't back off I'm going to loose the politeness and tell him to back off." I again, smiled at him and moved on with my shopping and he backed off that time.......It took quite an effort to get away though.

I don't get it......I don't think I ever touched someone else's baby un-invited.......have you? Now....I have grabbed toddlers that were headed out the door I'm standing by if I see them running out the door by themselves with their parents frantically trying to chase them down yelling "no, no...Jimmy STOP!!!" Then I reach down and grab them for the parent - because it's for their safety......but I have never reached into someone's baby carrier at touched their child.

Anyway - I'd be interested to hear people from the other side's opinion....where are the baby touchers? I want to know from them why they think it's oK? Maybe I'll change my mind.......but probably not.

Baby Einstein = Happy Baby

2009-06-26T16:45:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post to say I'M IN LOVE WITH BABY EINSTEIN. oh goodness.......love the baby einstein.
Now don't think that I have Andy watch endless hours of TV a day or anything........the tapes are only 30 minutes long and when he's fussy once a day (maybe twice on a really fussy day)....I pull his swing up to the TV, put in Baby Einstein, and instant silence while he sits there fully glued to the pictures chewing on his fingers.
Usually this 30 minutes of "educational" TV is enough to calm him down from whatever fit he may be throwing at the time.
So yes, I admit........Baby Einstein rocks!

Just a cute little bath time video - guaranteed to make you smile!

2009-06-13T17:53:00.000-07:00

I love my little Andy..........

He makes me smile every single day.

(even when I want to pull my hair out from the screaming, crying and puking....the next minute he'll make me smile). I wouldn't trade him for anything.

2 Months Old!!!

2009-06-08T21:08:00.000-07:00

well really....more like 10 weeks.....but counting this pic as the 2 month picture! so cute!!!

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T06:01:00.001-07:00

Thank you to all of you who left comments on Andy's pictures - I too think he looks amazing. (He also IS amazing).

I wanted to say Happy Mother's Day to everyone and also to everyone struggling with infertility and loss (I know that road as well) - I wanted to wish you peace and comfort on this day and every day.

I am going to go enjoy my first Mother's Day with my sweet little boy - I think I hear him calling for me now.

Andy's surgery

2009-05-07T08:20:00.000-07:00

I wanted to post some before and after pics of Andy. The surgery was such a blessing for him. He can breathe and eat so much better now. And he looks great. Next surgery is not until March/April 2010.

This picture is immediately before surgery in the waiting room at the hospital. 5/5/09

This is immediately after surgery 5/5/09.

This is one day post op in the PICU 5/6/09.

This is 2 days post-op at home in his beloved swing. 5/7/09

surgery

2009-05-04T13:40:00.001-07:00

Andy is having his first surgery tomorrow - please wish/pray for him a successful surgery and speedy recovery.

Quit???

2009-04-17T16:24:00.001-07:00

I'm thinking about quitting my blog. I'm finding that I don't really feel like posting and I've never had very many people read it anyway........I don't know. Just thinking about quitting. We'll see.

Andrew Jack

2009-03-27T18:36:00.000-07:00

So.....the story of Andrew Jack.

On Sunday 3/22 my mom called me at 9pm and said "there is a baby at the hospital with a cleft lip and palate that needs adopted. Are you interested?" I said....."what are you talking about?"

You see, my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while now. We have been through 2 failed IVF cycles and were going to try another one this summer. We thought about adoption but hadn't registered with an agency yet as we were still going to try more IVF first. (Adoption seeming to be so expensive and all.......).

Anyway, there's a labor and delivery nurse at the hospital (we'll call her "nurse baby" in this note). So "nurse baby" is a patient at the doctors office where my mom works as a medical assistant. And a while back, my mom being as talkative as she is with everyone (she makes friends with everyone she meets.....) she told her of our troubles and said "if you ever have a baby that needs a home give me a call." So "nurse baby" was working on Sunday (on a day she usually doesn't work and in post-partum that she usually doesn't work in) and she got assigned to the birth mother who wanted to give her baby up. "Nurse baby" remembered us/my mom and found the home phone number for the receptionist at the doctors office and called and asked her for my mom's number. She called my mom....then my mom called me.

Greg and I went up Sunday night at 10pm to see baby and birth mom. We spoke with her for quite some time.....came back the next morning and spoke with the social work, plastic surgery, financial counselors, nurses, and a lawyer.....and less than 24 hours after getting the call we were signing our initial paperwork for adoption.He had to stay a couple days in the NICU as he had to get put to sleep to get impressions made for his mouth as he is getting a splint made and fitted this coming Monday to help him eat better until his cleft palate and lip are repaired.

He is wonderful, perfect and we love him with all our hearts.

I feel that there were so many factors that had to be aligned for this to happen.......I think that God and our guardian angels/guides were looking out for us and I truly believe that he is meant to be ours.

His name is Andrew Jack. Andrew because that was our boy name that we had picked out with the IVF's. And Jack because when birth mom decided to give him up and we hadn't been called yet (we met him when he was 15 hours old).....the nursery nurses decided to "adopt" him and give him a name. They named him Jack. So we are keeping that as his middle name to honor those nurses that cared for him as their own during those 15 hours he was alone.

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts, prayers and support.

News!!!!!!!

2009-03-27T12:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a long time because there was nothing to post about.

However.....THINGS HAVE CHANGED.

We (emergently) adopted a baby on Monday of this week!

It was a complete surprise.......

We were not even in the adoption process currently......

It is a long and complicated story that I will post later on because right now I have to take little Andy to the family doc for his first checkup.

Will post the whole wonderful teriffic story very soon i promise! :)

Results are in (mostly) and more waiting.........

2008-11-03T18:05:00.000-08:00

Well, the results are in and my testing came back that I have some type of thrombophilia. However all the tests are not back yet. My doctor wants to push me into another cycle using Heparin (blood thinner) injections twice daily - which mind you would continue for 8 MONTHS if i get pregnant.

So this thrombophilia makes me more prone to clotting which means that is probably the reason my little embryos won't implant correctly - which the heparin would supposedly fix. However - pregnancy is a "pro-thrombotic" state anyway - meaning that anyone is more prone to clotting when they are pregnant, even without thrombophilia. Now, the question I pose to my doctor is WHY would I want to enter a pro-thrombotic state such as pregnancy if I am already pro-thrombotic??? He says "don't worry about it, you'll be on heparin - no problem."

He can't understand my worry. Maybe as a nurse I've seen too much. I have seen people die from pulmonary embolus (blood clot to the lungs) which is the #1 worry. I've also seen people die from bleeding to death from heparin.

So you see my dilemma..........

Anyway - I'm not making any decisions now. I want a second opinion from an actual hematologist, an expert per se. I have an appt with hematology later this month after all my results are in to discuss with this expert physician (who mind you will NOT benefit monetarily from my next cycle.....) to see if he thinks it would be too risky to try and get pregnant. Not that I think my doctor would risk my life to make money.....but the truth is that I work in healthcare.....physicians do get upset when their patients die. But you know what??? When a patient dies, they say "man, that's too bad, I feel horrible, I wish things were different, yada yada yada......" and they MOVE ON to the next patient. So, truthfully, it wouldn't matter that much to him if I died. I am just another patient. That sounds cold - but that's reality.

I HAVE TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF AND BE MY OWN VOICE.

So - the funny thing is, that I am at peace with possibly not doing another cycle and moving on to adoption, etc..... I've always wanted to adopt anyway, even if I could carry a baby.....and this situation has made me realize that I don't want to die. I want to live and raise a family and be an old grandmother with lots of grandkids running around. I don't want to be the heroic 32 year old that died trying to get pregnant. I'd rather be the old grandmother who adopted a bunch of kids and gave them the most loving home possible and is now rewarded with a house full of beautiful grandkids.

I will keep my mind open though in case the hemotologist says the risk is minimal and I should try another cycle. BUT - if he says there is increased risk (and as my infertility doctor says: "all pregnancies are risky anyway"), I will peacefully give up fertility treatments and either search for a surrogate to carry my frozen embryo's, or donate my embryos ----- or adopt, which again I want to do someday anyway.

So, that is what I know for now.
More waiting.

Vote for me!!!

2008-11-01T09:12:00.002-07:00

I got the results (most of them anyway.....) and they are not good. I will post later with the details.

In the meantime (my groceries are melting while I type this......) here's a link to a contest I entered - I would ask that you click the link and vote for me!!! It's only a click of the mouse and you can vote once a day.

thanks a million

http://www.brickfish.com/Pages/PhotosAlbums/PhotoView.aspx?picid=674263_12894945&pid=1371531&scid=327&=HP_all_PPIMEMAIL_PPIMEMAIL&isep=1&pbapi=1375374&pbvi=44705828&pdi=2366

Next Step........

2008-10-10T15:34:00.001-07:00

Scheduled for lab work Tuesday and follow up appt on Halloween for results/plan.
Lab work includes:

Antiphospholipid Antibody Panel (which includes the following):
1. Anti-Cardiolipin
2. Anti-Phospholipid
3. Lupus Anti-Coagulant
4. Anti-Beta2 Glycoprotein
5. PTT

Thrombophilia Panel (which includes the following):
1. Antithrombin Activity
2. APTT
3. Factor V Leiden Coag
4. PAI-1 Activity
5. Protein C Activity
6. Protein S Activity
7. Prothrombin
8. MTHFR

Sperm DNA Fragmentation.

Whew......

Second IVF Failure........

2008-10-09T15:40:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged about my second IVF cycle because I feel like I have a tendency towards being a little negative when I blog at times and I wanted to be completely positive in my attitude towards my second IVF cycle.

Today was my HCG level after my second IVF.......the result was 0.1 which means not pregnant by a long shot.

So anyway, I see my doctor tomorrow to discuss what to do now. I spoke with him on the phone today and he said since my embryos are all "perfect" and my lining was "perfect" and my labwork was "perfect" both times......that now he needs me to do some testing to find out why I can't implant ("get pregnant"). Testing for thrombophelia, killer cells, etc...... We'll talk more tomorrow.

So.....now I am walking down a little longer infertility road than I thought I'd be walking down. I thought that we could bypass the low sperm count and the PCOS by doing the IVF.....putting the little embryos right where they need to be......but now it turns out I am a little more broken than I thought I was and I can't seem to get my embryos to implant even when everything is "perfect."

Oddly enough....I think I'm doing ok mentally. Sure it sucks, sure I'm sad........but I feel even more confident that some way, some day, some how I will have my babies. Whether I carry them, whether we adopt them, whether I use a surrogate.......(a work friend offered to be my surrogate today - it was one of the most awesome things anyone has ever said to me)........I know that the road to my kids is just a little longer and more complicated than some (and I'm sure less complicated than some). It's just that.....it's my road and I have to walk it and figure it out. But I know that some how in the future - I will have my kids.

Round Two...

2008-08-18T18:03:00.000-07:00

Gonna try again!
Re-starting BCP tonight (woo hoo) and then my endometrial biopsy is scheduled for Friday 9-5 and my first ultrasound/labs are scheduled for Friday 9-12. So that's not too far away...I guess I didn't screw it up too much. ha ha!
So tired right now...too tired to post...been at work since 7am (it's now 9pm)...I'm gonna take my MaggieDog and snuggle in bed and call it quits for the night.
Catch up with everything later - goodnight.

Sometimes the simplest things can be soooo difficult...

2008-08-15T12:51:00.000-07:00

As I prepared for my appt today w/my fertility doctor I was counting my leftover meds from last cycle to take a list in so I didn't have to order stuff that I already had enough of. (My drug company screwed up last time with the packing - cold vs not cold - anyway it's a long story and ended up with too much Ganirelix. I notified them and they were going to send me packing stuff to send it back. They never sent me the box to send it back to them after I spoke w/the pharmacist - so score for me - I have 6 boxes of Ganirelix left over - woo hoo!) Anyway, that's besides the point (I just wanted to put a little cheery news in there before I drop the bomb...)...

So....my appt today was to set up the cycle, order meds, sign consents, have my mock transfer and my endometrial biopsy. However, as I was preparing for the cycle by gathering up all my meds I noticed that my Birth Control Pills are not the right count. I have a week too many left. Where I should have only had 5 pills left as of today I had 12 pills. WTF??? I got out my calendar and my pill container (I admit...I use the old people pill containers to keep all my meds straight) and I know that I took my BCP this last week because I have a BCP in today's section and it's time to refill my pill container again for the week. And I know that I took the pills starting the Wednesday the end of July when I started AF. So....I must have missed the first week of August. I must not have put the pills in my pill container for the week - so I can't believe it - I missed a WHOLE WEEK of BCP's!!!

Possibly what happened is that the first week of August I had to increase my Synthroid because my TSH was not low enough and instead of getting a new Rx (I had a ton of 100mcg tabs left) I just added a 50mcg tab in addition to my 100mcg tab. My new 50mcg tab is little and white just like my BCP so I wonder if when I was filling my pill containers (like I'm 90 years old...) I saw the 50mcg Synthroid and my brain thought it was my BCP. Who knows...I can't believe I didn't notice for a whole week!

My med regimen is:
Metformin ER 5oomg tabs- 2 tabs every morning and 2 tabs every evening
Synthroid 150mcg daily (taking 1oomcg tab and 50mcg tab)
Aspirin 81mg daily
Toprol XL 50mg daily
Primacare ONE prenatal vitamin daily
LoEstrin FE BCPs Daily

So while that is only 6 different meds...it is a grand total of 10 pills a day.
And what really makes it hard to believe that I missed a week is that I have been so super careful about not missing any doses of anything and trying to do everything just perfect...I can't believe I did that!

So needless to say, everything got cancelled today for my cycle start up. Bummer. So I was told to stop the pill today, wait until AF starts again, then call in to re-set everything up AND go back on the pill for a month again.

So maybe a July baby instead of a June baby...... :P

New Look, New Outlook...

2008-08-14T12:58:00.000-07:00

As you'll notice...my blog has a new look. Kind of symbolic I suppose....as I embark on IVF again I am going to try to keep optimistic this time. No more negativity. (So if you hear negativity - give me a slap on the hands...I'm turning a new leaf this time). I'm going to be positive.

I recently read this book/saw the film called "The Secret." You may have seen the Oprah episode featuring this...if not click the link. The website is kind of hocus pocus but the the book/movie is pretty good. I think I am going to try to keep to their teaching of positive thinking and the law of attraction with this IVF cycle. Instead of saying things like "if it works" and "my next try," I'm going to stop that negative type of speaking and say things like "when it works."

It's crazy how wierd and unnatural it feels to be so optimistic.

Unexpected reaction.....

2008-07-28T19:11:00.001-07:00

My work friend who is, I don't know, probably about 6 months or 7 months pregnant asked me if I wanted to "feel her baby move" today by touching her belly.

Now...let me give you a little background. This friend has gone through "infertility treatments" before to have her first daughter. I put "infertility treatments" in quotes because she only did one round of clomid and got pregnant. That was 4 years ago. I realize this is technically an infertility treatment...but it is no where to the extent that many of us have had to endure. I don't think it comes anywhere near multiple IUI's or IVF's.

Anywhoo... she was very supportive during my IVF earlier this year. She even brought me food during my bedrest time, gave me shots when I needed them....she is a great friend and I love her. I just don't think that she has a clue what I am going through. (Otherwise she wouldn't have asked me to touch her belly....).

By the way.....I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it.
I thought for sure I could, but I couldn't....... and I'm even planning on throwing her a baby shower...no problem with that, I just can't believe that I couldn't touch that moving little baby inside her belly. When she asked me to and started to move closer to me - I instantly felt extremely anxious inside and I could feel the tears welling up. If I had felt that little baby move...I think the waterworks would have started. Not because I'm not happy for her and not because I don't think she should be pregnant or anything.....she's a good person, her hubby's a good person and their little girl is great. I'm glad she's pregnant and is having a great life. I truly am glad for her. Really. I wish nothing but the best for her and her family.

I do have to say that it did really upset me though when she first found out she was pregnant and was constantly complaining to me about things that just really are small in the big picture. Such as: not being able to get her personal best time in the marathon she was going to run, and also about how nauseous she was feeling and about the fact that she was "bummed out" that she was having another girl instead of a boy like she wanted. Oh my gosh...I would literally cut off my leg (I'm not joking) to be pregnant. She was very sensitive about telling me that she was pregnant (she did it in private). However, I thought she would have been a little more sensitive about all the other issues. I guess I probably wasn't very sensitive to people dealing with infertility issues until I went through it myself either...you just don't understand unless you've been there.

I've never said anything to her because she's sensitive and I care about her WAY too much to ever hurt her feelings. I just listen and empathize...there have been times when a bunch of us will be talking and it was too much and I had to get up and leave. I would just say I had work to do....I just have to get away from pregnancies and babies sometimes.

It's not just her...sometimes I just need a break from all the pregnancies, the babies, the baby pictures, the planning, the kids in church and in the stores that I see and sometimes start spontaneously crying because of. I just can't believe how much infertility hurts right down deep to the core of your soul. You try to put on a brave face and listen to the pregnancy stories and hold those babies.....but sometimes it's just too much and you need a little sensitivity in return. Even from those who don't and can not understand. Even those people....sometimes just need to be a little extra sensitive because the world of infertility SUCKS big-time.

So.......I just couldn't bring myself to touch my friend's belly today.....I hope I didn't hurt her feelings. (Maybe I'll tell her why tomorrow....I'm worrried I hurt her feelings).

Starting again.......

2008-07-25T18:06:00.000-07:00

So......we're heading down the IVF road again. (Kind of like the yellow brick road.....only with needles, blood draws and the dildo-cam).

Saw my doctor again today (just for a check up pap) - he's not a Reproductive Endocrinologist as I see from most blogs is very popular to go to. (We don't even have a RE around my area - I don't think). Anyway, he started out as an OB-GYN and branched off into IF treatments early on. He's been practicing medicine for around 40 years....I do have a lot of trust in him, which is good.

So, I went in for my follow up pap but ended up talking about my next IVF cycle mostly. So here's the plan:

1. Start Birth Control Pills with my next period (which I was taken off of because of thrombophlebitis and the risk of DVT).
2. Start an 81mg Aspirin daily starting today because of the risk of DVT.
3. Increase Glucophage from 1000mg daily to 1000mg twice daily.
4. Call when I get my period to set up the mock transfer, set up cycle appt and endometrial biopsy for 2-3 weeks after period starts. (He's been reading research that says an Endometrial Biopsy the month before IVF will help increase implantation rates by ready-ing the endometrial lining).
5. Then hopefully I will be ready to start stimulation injections in late August/early September.

Weirdly I was kind of dreading this appt to talk about things. I think after the disappointment earlier this year I was just feeling almost a sense of dread about doing IVF again. Feeling like everything was going to be a big disappointment again. BUT - weirdly - I am feeling really hopeful about this cycle. I'm not near as nervous as I was last time because I know what to expect. I feel oddly optimistic.

Oh....also, we have 6 embryo's frozen from the first IVF cycle. We chose to go another fresh round this time as we do get some help from hubby's insurance for up to 3 cycles. (It does not pay for everything - so please don't hate me - but it does help out quite a bit). Anything's better than nothing right??? But it will only help for 3 cycles. So we talked with my doctor and he said he would recommend a fresh cycle since we have some financial help....and also since our frozen embryo's don't look that hot. (We have 3 good and 3 not so good frozen). Possibly enough for one frozen transfer in the future. (He said the total cost of a frozen transfer/FET would be about $2000 - which as you all know is WAY better than the $10,000-$15,000 for a fresh cycle). So if we are going to pay 100% of something it would be smarter to pay 100% of $2,000 than 100% of $10,000-$15,000.

That's the plan......so I didn't lose all the weight I wanted to before this cycle. (I lost a bunch and then gained about half of it back - kind of got depressed and fell off the wagon). But, hopefully that won't have too much of an effect on this cycle.

Thanks in advance for all the support.

Feeling "cautiously optimistic."

Birthdays, Babies and Depression.

2008-07-20T13:33:00.001-07:00

I haven't posted in a while....haven't felt like I really had anything new to say. I've been reading though, all the good news and the not so good news...I love reading your blogs. It's kind of an escape I think for me.

Anyway, tomorrow is my 31st birthday. You would have thought that 30 would have been my "big" birthday and if I was going to feel bad that I would have felt it last year....but no. Thirty to me was not a big deal. No problem. No biggie. But for some reason, I am dreading saying that I'm 31. Why you ask? I don't know. I know it's not "old" - and besides that I'm not afraid of getting "old." I have no issues with age. My problem (I think) is that of what I have not accomplished yet that I feel I need to have accomplished by now.

So my list of accomplishments.... hmmmm.....

1. Good marriage. check.
2. Good family and good family relationships. check.
3. Good education. check.
4. Good job - even one where I help people. check, check.
5. Good house - get to keep the family farmhouse going. check. check.
6. Good dog. check.
7. Good friend(s). check.

Sounds pretty good when I list it out like that. So why feel depressed?
Here are my things I wish I could say I have done......

8. Have kids in enough time so that my parents (who are 57 and 72) can enjoy them. ummm...no check yet on that one.
9. Go to medical school so I can help people even more. umm...definately no check there, now I'm way too old to do that (especially if I want to have kids!)
10. Make a difference in the world. nope, no check there.
11. Volunteer. nope.
12. Build a habitat for humanity home. nada checks here.
13. Go on a missions trip and make a difference in another part of the world. no checks yet.
14. Help in a national disaster. Nope.
15. Again, have kids, lots of kids...and help them become awesome people. nope again.

So......I guess that's the root of my feeling depressed. I feel like I have given nothing to the world. Not being able to have babies only adds to that feeling of not contributing. At least if I had my own family, I would feel like I was making an impact by helping my kids grow up to be great people. But no, can't even do that. I know, I know, I'm throwing myself a pitty party (a pitty birthday party).

I just feel like I have done nothing to change or impact anyone else's life in a good way. I hate that feeling. I have this deep burning desire in me to change someone's life, to help someone, anyone, anyway, to have a better life. I've done nothing except help myself have a better life - which has only left me feeling empty and alone.

So why not change you ask? Good question. Why not get off your fat ass and do something? Another good question. Maybe I'll do that....maybe I'll dedicate my 30's to helping other people. That'll be my birthday present to myself. I'll give my 30's away and focus on goals 8-15.

What I learned from a frog...

2008-07-01T17:17:00.000-07:00

I was outside watering my flowers today and noticed a frog on the side of the house by the hose. I thought he'd make a nice picture.

So after taking his picture, I was inspired to take some more pictures of my flowers. Now little did I realize that this picture taking excursion (initiated because of a cute little frog on the side of my house) would take me through an insightful, zen-like lesson.

I took the following picture:

The lesson? I did not even realize until after taking the picture and looking at it on my camera that there was a spider on that flower. Can you imagine? I looked right at that flower and took it's picture and did not even see that spider that was right in front of my face...not until the camera made me look and focus only on that particular flower and nothing else did I see the spider in front of my face.

Then I got to thinking about life...and that maybe I should not always try and look at the entire big picture all the time, planning always years in advance...causing frustration and worry and pain...maybe sometimes, I should slow down and look at the little pieces of life, each as it's own seperate piece, and see what I may be missing out on. Maybe there's a lot I'm not seeing because I'm trying to see everything. I'd hate to think I'm missing out on some of the little joys in life. Just like I missed the spider that I was looking directly at and didn't see.

So then I found some more bugs on my flowers to take pictures of (I like bugs and frogs, I know I'm wierd...I think they are cute).

Here are just some more flower pictures (sans bugs):

A view of the barn (needs fixing up...but that's expensive and will have to wait until next year or so):
A view of the cozy backyard:

A view of the front yard where the "coyote incident" happened:

Things are starting to get big in the garden:

Behind the garden is a "big garden" of G's where he planted lots of corn and pumpkins and gourds (the dirt area before the field - we don't plant the field).

And lastly, one Maggie-dog looking scornfully out the window at me because she wasn't invited outside this time! (really, I just caught her w/her eyes closed...but she does look scornful don't you think?)

Coyote Ugly....(and scary).

2008-06-27T16:58:00.000-07:00

I haven't been writing because really there's nothing going on to write about. IVF stuff still on hold until Aug/Sept-ish. Work's the same....G's the same....family's the same....everything's the same. Pretty stable. Which is good I guess.

This morning though, we had a pretty scary experience. I got up early this morning (early for me on my day off - late if I was working). Anyhow, I got up and got ready because I wanted to go grocery shopping and get things put away before meeting my friend for lunch. So G works third shift...as I'm going out to let Maggie out to potty, he's outside, just home from work looking at our flowers, garden, etc. So me and Maggie dog go over to the garden with him and are looking around...Maggie is staying close by (she's behaving much better these days...) when we look up and what do we see just about 50 feet or less away standing in our yard and looking right at us/Maggie?????

That's right! A BIG SCARY COYOTE!!!!!!! I about peed my pants thinking he was going to eat Maggie right in front of us. Clearly he must cross through the yard into the field regularly...and he looked as surprised to see us as we were to see him. I looked at Maggie and she had her eyes fixed on him...I was so scared she would take off running at him like she does when she sees squirrels, birds, chipmunks....really anything so far. She has even barked and went towards big deer before. But not this time....I think maybe she recognized the danger...she just stood there and didn't make a peep....it felt like about an hour passed before I got to her (it could only have been a few seconds though, she was just about 6 feet away from me - but time was moving frame by frame...). Anyway, I kept saying in my most calm voice possible, "Maggie, stay, Maggie, stay...." Either that worked, or she knew that the big scary Coyote was not one to mess with, because she never let out a peep and she stood still. His big mangy silver/gray face just stared at us, he had piercing eyes. I scooped her up in my arms and then the Coyote ran towards the woods. He stopped about every hundered feet or so and looked back at us and just stared. I was surprised at how not-scared of us he was....that's pretty scary. I hope I never get any closer to him than that ever.

Good Day, Good Movie, Bad Dog.

2008-06-08T16:07:00.000-07:00

It was lovely outside today - so this morning *G and I went outside to put newspapers and straw down on the garden (since everything is sprouted now).

We left Maggie inside because she's such a pain in the butt outside lately - she chases EVERYTHING - it doesn't even have to be alive and she chases it. ~Butterflies, Squirrels, Chimpmunks and Robins are among her favorites...but she will also chase leaves that blow across the lawn and those little white cotton-ish floaties in the air this time of year....The big problem with her is that when she is chasing something - her ears don't seem to function. It's like her little brain is only powerful enough to support one function at a time. Either she listens OR she runs. She can't possibly listen AND run - that would be way too complicated. The front yard is really close to the road and I have a monster of a time trying to keep her safe unless I have her tied up (which we have enough trees - lawn furniture - etc - that she is always getting *stuck* when she's tied up - then she looks at me with that pitiful little mom come help me look and I have to stop what I'm doing and go untangle her - only to have her re-tangled in 1-2 minutes time). So I love her bunches, but I didn't have it in me to deal with her today while putting newspaper and straw on the garden.

So anyway, *G and I rented movies last night. The Pursuit of Happyness and Into the Wild. We haven't watched The Pursuit of Happyness yet but watched Into the Wild last night - I LOVED it. If you haven't seen it, it's definitely worth renting.

I left the case for the rented DVD on the coffee table last night - so this morning - little miss Maggie dog must have been really ticked off that she had to stay inside while we were obviously having SUCH FUN outside in the garden (in the 90 degree heat/humidity and she was in the air-conditioned house) that this is what I found when I came inside.

The DVD case I found on the floor open and upside down like this:

So I picked it up thinking "what in the world????" and THIS is what I found:

That was what was left of the Into the Wild DVD case. (The actual DVD is still in the player unscathed thank goodness).

It's possible that I just may own this movie now... good thing I liked it so much! We'll see after I try and return it - that should be an interesting conversation at Hollywood Video!

Also...the pieces that are missing - are still missing. I only found a couple of minuscule scraps of plastic - I think the actually ate and swallowed the rest of what's missing.

Here's the perpetrator now sitting on her window seat and eyeing up some chipmunks outside - plotting her next escape plan:

You know what though? No matter how much trouble she causes - I still love her with all my heart - I would NEVER want to be without her. She's a rotten dog - but a good friend.

Some of my flowers.

2008-06-05T17:18:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd post some pictures from my garden/flower gardens. This really is my spring/summer hobby. I always feel so peaceful and refreshed after being outside in my flower gardens and my garden.

Up close view of my columbine.

Whiskey barrell full of some of my favorite annuals (just planted a few weeks ago though, it should get much bigger).

Up-close with a daylilly in my lilly of the valley flowerbed.

I actually forget the name of this flower, I bought it for the first time this year. (I did catch an ant walking around on it when I was snapping it's picture though - can you see him walking around?).

This is my actual vegetable garden, not much to look at in a picture, I'm excited though because my seeds just started to poke through the ground. I planted green and wax beans, red beets, honeydew, brussels sprouts, sugar snap peas, tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, zuchinni, yellow squash, green bell peppers, orange bell peppers, red bell peppers, red sweet peppers (the long ones - i don't remember their real name). Also some wildflowers for cutting and some sunflowers.

Close up of a neat geranium that I have this year - never had a speckeld one before.

One of my perennials (can't remember the name).

Close up of one of my hanging baskets.

New perennial to my flowers this year - tag said it's a wall flower. (I never knew that was an actual flower - had to buy it just because of the name).

A flower bed in my back yard where I like to sit in the lawn chairs w/Maggie - so quiet and peaceful.

I'll have to post more pictures later in the season when everything is bigger and more bloomed.

On a lighter note...

2008-05-30T15:32:00.001-07:00

I'm getting my hair fixed tomorrow. I know Io wanted to see pictures...I just don't know if I can bring myself to post pictures of my halloween witch hair with the skunk stripe up the back. I'll think about it.......

Edit:

OK, twist my arm...I'm brave enough I guess. Here are postings of my horrendus haircolor mishap. (mind you - my hair is usually a light brown/blonde with blonde highlights).

The view of my circus tent type stripes from the right side.

and from the left view....... And don't forget my skunk stripe in the back.........

And finally, the view from the top. Which I have to say is the least offensive vantage point.

If I walked around on my knees all day so people would only be able to look at the top of my head - my hair wouldn't be so bad!

Anyway, going back to grovel to the regular hairstylist tomorrow to get it *fixed* - to grovel and beg :) and promise never to cheat on my hairdresser again.

I did give Miss Maggie-dog a bath though today and her hair looks GREAT! See----

The next picture I can't help but post....I caught her mid-blink but she looks quite disgusted with me - like "mom, stop with the baths and pictures already!"

Thoughts and Prayers....

2008-05-29T19:54:00.000-07:00

My thoughts and prayers go out to a fellow Fort Wayne nurse that was killed yesterday morning on her way to work at Parkview Hospital. Kimberly A. Swickard was 40 years old, had two daughters and according to her co-workers was a wonderful nurse and wonderful person. Her car was involved in a hit and run at 3am when she was on her way into work at Parkview where she was a medical telemetry nurse...she later died in the ER at Parkview Hospital from head trauma from the collision. See attached story.

I don't understand how anyone could be involved in an accident and then leave the scene...these slimebags hit her and left her like she was nothing. They ran a flashing red light, hit her car and then fled the scene like a couple of pieces of shit that didn't even flinch or care that they injured (ultimately killed) another human being - whom was on her way to work to care for the sick herself. I can't even wrap my mind around this.

When I used to work in the ER as a nurse, I let a lot of things eat me up. I took a lot of fear home. I was always wondering if something was going to happen, if I'd ever see my loved ones again, if I made sure that all was well before leaving my loved ones because you never know.

I had to leave the ER because of that kind of thinking. It was eating me up inside. The trauma, the loss, the pain that people have to endure. I took care of many, many people who came into the ER not knowing when they got up that morning that that day would be their last day. I cared for them during the dying process which was not the worst part (you'd think that was the worst part, but it was not at all, talking to and seeing the families who's lives had suddenly changed forever was the worst part. The sound that someone makes when they are crying and grieving from the depths of their soul is a sound that haunts me, a sound I will never forget, and and sound that I pray I never have to make again in my life). The patients themselves, who were usually unconscious on arrival (but not always), were not as hard on the heart to take care of. I have been with a lot of people when they have passed on. I am telling you from experience, the exact moment when someone passes is always peaceful. It is always peaceful, even if all the moments leading up to it were anything but peaceful...the last moment always is. You can tell, just by looking at someone, when they are gone - even without looking at any monitors or anything. Their whole body changes the instant that their soul leaves. When someone dies, you can almost see their soul leave (not by seeing their soul per se, but by seeing the absence of their soul. Their body looks like a shell, an empty vessel). I have said many a prayer during the moments that I see this happen, when I see a body change from a person to just a body. I feel as if their soul is in the room, leaving to go to it's next journey, and I have said prayers during that time that their soul makes the transition smoothly and safely to it's next destination. And I swear to you, that I always feel this encompassing warmth in my chest/body when I do that...and I'm sure that it's because I'm feeling the brightness and love that has returned to that person's soul as they move on to the next stage. I feel blessed to have had these experiences as they helped me tremendously in the development of my own spirituality and beliefs.

I had a hard time functioning though while working in the ER. I had a hard time just existing in a "normal" life where people (friends and loved ones) get mad and yell and fight because I would always worry that it would be my last time seeing them and that would be their memories of me. It got to the point that I was experiencing significant anxiety and depression to the point that I was on antidepressants for awhile. That's what full-time in the ER did to me, it made me paranoid and anxious about being alive for the fear of death. Not just the fear of death but the fear of death without everything being 'perfect.' (I do realize that this is irrational, I realize that in the real world people have fights, people get mad, and sometimes that is the last memory but that does not mean that is the only memory. I know that, and I know that the 'last memory' per se is not of the importance that I'm giving it...I'm just lamenting on how twisted the ER made my mind when I spent so many hours there seeing so many unspeakable things).

This story, even though I didn't know Kim well, struck that same chord with me. I have been out of the ER since October 2004 now, but those same feelings are coming back. I can't help but think of how she didn't know when she got up that morning and got ready for work, checked in on her kids, said good-bye to her husband, got in her car to drive to work, that that was it...that was the last time...she didn't know. She didn't know.

Life is so fragile and scary and wonderful and yet we blunder through it like bulls in a china shop not caring who we step on to get what we want. Not caring how reckless we are with each other and our relationships. We take so much for granted every single day. We spend so much time, precious time, worrying about stupid stuff that we won't even remember worrying about in 5 days let alone in 5 years. But still we are willing to speak before we think and hurt others with our sharp tongues...we are willing to give the most of our time and the most of ourselves to the things that don't matter at all in the end. We are willing to sacrifice what is important in the end to what we think is important right now.

I recently read an awesome book called "Suzanne's diary for Nicholas" by James Patterson and in that book one of the main characters Suzanne states a lesson she learned while struggling through balancing a medical practice, and illness and being in love and losing love. She is told that life is like juggling 5 balls, those 5 balls are: work, family, friends, health and integrity. You work hard to keep them in the air at all times, but sometimes you are bound to slip up and let one fall. The work ball is made of rubber and will bounce back, however the balls for health, integrity, friends and family are made of glass and if dropped can scratch, chip or worse, they can shatter and may never be able to be repaired. I found this an enlightening lesson about prioritization regarding what is important in life. If you like to read at all, pick this book up, it's a great, great read. Very moving.

So, I guess you take things year by year, week by week, day by day, hour by hour and probably most importantly, moment by moment. Never look away from an unplanned opportunity to spend time with loved ones, even if it wasn't on your schedule for the day. I think that it's how we spend those little unplanned moments, those precious experiences, that builds our character and our memories and the quality of our lives. My mid-year's resolution (since I don't typically make new-year's resolutions) is to savor the moments in my life and be open to whatever opportunities they may bring, be it big or small. I want to live my life completely, I want to be completely worn-out and used-up when it comes time for my soul to pass on. I want there to be standing room only at my funeral.

So here's a prayer to Kim, that her soul is embraced in peace and love and understanding, and to Kim's family, that their hearts may heal one day from this horrible tragedy and they can remember their wife and mother and daughter in love and happiness and peace. I can tell from the love that surrounds Kim and her family now that her life was a life well-lived, and I bet that there will be standing room only at her funeral.

Peace to all.

Bad Hair.

2008-05-28T20:09:00.000-07:00

Lesson learned. Don't switch hairstylists.
(My hair looks like a halloween witch wig...my regular hairstylist will be fixing it this saturday - I'll never cheat on her again).
Lesson learned the hard way.

New Hair Stylist!

2008-05-14T14:51:00.000-07:00

OK - I know I am SUCH a NERD for being excited about such a silly thing as hair...but...I'm going to a new hairstylist next Thursday!

This is very exciting for me as I have been going to the same stylist since I have been about 15 years old...that is almost 16 years now! That's TOO long...she stopped listening to me a long time ago and my hair looks the same every time I go.

My hair is "ok" how it is now, it's just that I have been craving something kind of funky for a while, but my stylist now just keeps doing the same thing...

So...I'm going to someone new (I work with her sister and she has AWESOME hair, also some other people in my office go to her and they all have great hair...so I'm stoked).

I was thinking of choppy layers (I have naturally curly hair...so I'll keep a curly style because I don't want to flat iron every day) and I was thinking of some funky/chunky highlights/lowlights such as the pictures below. What does anyone think? (probably more like the second picture).

So imagine these with curly, piecy hair....would that look good????

This is sooo much better.....

2008-05-08T15:07:00.000-07:00

Wow...what a difference without all the hateful comments! This is AWESOME!

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who stopped by and gave support and left positive comments...thanks to you all.

Good-Bye Anonymous Comments!

2008-05-06T21:18:00.000-07:00

Just a note to all the "anonymous" and "unregistered user" people who have been leaving hateful comments on my blog.........I have changed my settings, you must be a registered user to leave a comment on my blog. Now I don't have to be poisoned by your hatred and completely idiotic view of the world. Unfortunately, that means that anyone who was an actual good person who was reading my blog and posting as anonymous or unregistered that was actually providing good and/or helpful comments regarding my posts will not be able to post anymore either. Sorry. It's like when your in elementary school and one kid does something stupid and the whole class has to be punished.....

*If you don't know what I'm talking about or why I'm posting this....please read the last 4 posts (posts dated from May 1st to May 6th) along with the associated comments - especially the comments from the unregistered users - on my blog and you will quickly understand why I feel so strongly about this and why I have decided to not accept non-registered comments anymore.

Anyway, I have been letting these "people" post their comments because I felt it was important to bring to light how incredibly racist and intolerant I'm discovering the world still is...however, I have made a decision that it is doing no good to anyone to leave these "people" post on my blog. It is not helping anyone at all...it is just bringing everyone who reads it down and the more we read and listen to that crap the more we infiltrate the Universe with negativity. So, in conclusion:

THIS BLOG OFFICIALLY DOES NOT TOLERATE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING CONTENT IN ANY COMMENTS LEFT BY ANYONE:
RACISM, BIGOTRY, HATE, RAGE, CLOSED-MINDEDNESS, ILL-WILL TOWARDS OTHERS, PREJUDICE OF ANY VARIETY INCLUDING PREJUDICE TOWARDS ANY RACE, SEX, SEXUAL ORIENTATION, CREED, RELIGION, ETHNICITY, AGE OR ANY OTHER VARIABLE.
I WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY COMMENTS THAT SHOW DELIBERATE HATE TOWARDS ANY HUMAN BEING, ANY SLANDEROUS REMARKS TO ANY INDIVIDUAL OR GROUP OF INDIVIDUALS, ANY COMMENT THAT IS HATEFUL OR CRUEL TOWARDS ANIMALS OR ANY LIVING THING, OR JUST ANY COMMENT IN GENERAL THAT DOES NOT PROMOTE PEACE AND LOVE TOWARDS OUR FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS, THE ANIMAL KINGDOM AND THIS PLANET WE WERE BLESSED WITH.

Any comment left on my blog containing any of the above negativity will be promptly deleted by myself...so if you plan on leaving hateful comments, don't waste your time.

So GOODBYE to all you hateful people who have been posting on my blog...I will look forward to reading my comments without feeling like the human race is going down the toilet...yes I know that you are all still out there, but that does not mean that my heart, mind and soul have to be polluted with your hate and rage anymore. I am done.

I do however, continue to look forward to the helpful, lovely and encouraging comments from my fellow bloggers - I love to read your blogs and leave/receive comments from you all. You have been especially helpful during all of my IVF and such...and I will need you even more in September when we go through our 2nd IVF.

Thanks again to all the GOOD people out there, all my bloggy friends, and GOODBYE to all the negative people and their closed little minds. Go pollute elsewhere.

Some thoughts on Love and Peace

2008-05-06T06:49:00.000-07:00

I am writing this with a saddened heart. If you’ve been reading my blog and comments you know why. If not…please read through the last few posts and their comments and you will understand why.

I love people. I love animals. I love life in it’s entirety. My life is NOT perfect. No one’s life is perfect. However, I love and respect life and the gift that it is. It honestly and truly breaks my heart and injures my soul when I see cruelty of any kind, this would include cruelty to other humans, to animals and to the planet. I am NOT a goody-two-shoes idealistic type…I know and realize that life is not perfect and that there are bad things in the world and that people have to live through bad situations. Please don’t think I am some Pollyanna writing this who has never experienced pain or never understood that life is not fair. I do understand, I also understand that we will never in our human life truly understand each other or each other’s pain and trials here on Earth.

However, with that said, I do have strong opinions and beliefs - my strong opinions and beliefs are that we should be open-minded and accepting of all life. We should not condem others for their beliefs and backgrounds. That is why I’m writing this post…to put an end to all the hatred that has been circulating throughout my blog recently. From ‘Dave,and Mary’ mostly, but probably from others also who have just not left comments but agree with them. I am not condemning them for their beliefs. I do think they are wrong, however, I do not have the authority to judge them - they are adults with free will and will do as they please. I do however, feel that I have the moral duty to put my feelings and thoughts out there, not because I think I will change their minds but because maybe someone who is teetering on the fence of bigotry and hate will read this and have a change of heart and decide to embrace love rather than hate, acceptance rather than blame, and understanding rather than closed-mindedness.

I can not love unconditionally, I wish I could. I don’t believe that as humans we can harness that power very easily, I think it takes either a lifetime of working at it or a Devine gift to be able to love unconditionally. I think there have been only a handful of individuals who have graced this Earth who have had such an ability, such as: the Dali Llama, Gautama Buddha, Mother Teresa, Jesus Christ, Saint Francis of Assisi, and etc. It would be lovely if we could all love like these individuals, but I don’t think that will be possible during our mortal life on this planet. The best we can do is work in that direction and try to love in this manner, to try and make God proud of us by loving all that he created. I certainly can not say that I love everyone, because unfortunately, I don’t. I’m not really very fond of those who hate and cause pain for others, I’m not fond of those who are intolerant, I’m not fond of those who cause pain to people or animals, and I’m not fond of those who disrespect the Earth. Luckily, there are higher powers who can love these individuals, and I’m glad for this because I think everyone deserves love. I think love is a basic human need - raking right up there with food and water. I do not believe that life can thrive without love.

So, in closing, I hope that this writing has touched at least one person’s heart…if it has, then it was worth it. I hope that this will put a close to all the hatred that has been flowing through my blog lately…as that was not the purpose of my blog. I started it so I could talk to others who have to deal with the struggle of infertility treatments…not so I can have people full of hatred leaving their negative comments to poison my thoughts and my heart. So I ask that those who hate and have posted on my blog, please continue to post if you feel it’s necessary, but I urge you to read these words and the words of the above mentioned individuals (Dali Llama, Gautama Buddha, Mother Teresa, Jesus Christ, Saint Francis of Assisi, and etc.) and perhaps you will gain some insight on love…and you won’t waste your whole lives here on Earth being poisoned by hatred and destruction of life. Maybe, just maybe, something will strike a chord in your hearts and you will feel the warmth and bliss that is a life of love. I pray that you will open your heart.

I can't believe people like this still live here......Here's to you Dave!

2008-05-05T18:54:00.001-07:00

I knew that African-Americans (and any other minority for that matter...whether it be gay/lesbian, Asian, the elderly, women, basically anyone other than straight white males....) had to deal with a lot of ignorant comments from people....but I didn't realize it was this blatently in-your-face until I got a comment on my last post regarding Barack Obama from some as*hole named "Dave."

I deleted his post immediately and wrote a rebuttal. However, after doing so, I was so pissed off at the ignorance that people have to face just for being born a non-white straight male, that I went to my e-mail (my comments are sent to my email) and I copied the original text from "Dave's" comment to post here for all to read.

Unfortunately..."Dave" is a chicken-sh*t because he didn't have a link back to his own blog....he just came here and posted basically anonymously so he could get his biggoted rants out and not be bothered by anyone making comments on his own blog. What a weiner.

So........here's "Dave's" post.......What a Man! I know he's my new idol! NOT. (ps dave...if I ever get lucky enough to have kids...I will use such idiotic examples such as this and the previous comment from "Mary" who thinks animals go to hell to educate my kids on how moronic people can be when they close their minds to anything that is different from them......and hopefully they will grow up to be nothing like you both).

So here goes, here's the post from "dave:"

Dave has left a new comment on your post "Anti-Politics":

VOTE OBAMA!! Its the only way to ensure McCain can win. No one wants a Nigger in the whitehouse and atlease if he did get there we have enough people around that if someone in a hood doesn't cap him Hillary would (Vince Foster ring a bell)

If Hill gets the nod she could beat Johnny Mac. There are too many red-diaper dopers out there that would get on her band wagon.

After all it IS the WHITE house, not the the Black House!! And there are too many old schoolers that get it to make sure we don't end up with Uncle Remus for President!

Actually, "Dave" and "Mary" - I feel very sorry for you both. I feel sorry that "Mary" can not fully feel the unconditional love of the animal world - "Mary" please read this, I think it will prove insightful for you....and I feel sorry that "Dave" can not feel the unconditional love from God for the human world. (By the way Mary....I'd be interested in the exact verse you are refering to in the Bible - because I obviously think you're wrong). "Dave" I think it would be helpful fo you to examine your bigoted thoughts to determine their source...your intolerance is very frightening.

In closing, hopefully little "Dave" has the b*lls to comment here with a link to his own blog so that we all can comment on his 'brilliant' thoughts as well. Come on "Dave" - do you have the guts?

Anti-Politics

2008-05-04T16:08:00.000-07:00

I am the most NON political person that you will EVER meet. However, this year, when I realized that the United States of America could have a REAL change....a change from the past couple hundred years of leadership by straight, white, over 50 years of age, men...I did get a little excited to think that we could actually leap into the 21st Century open-minded thinking and have either a woman or an Africian-American male as president. How awesome is that?

So....as the most non-political person you'll ever meet.....I did take it upon myself to read through both Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama's websites and glance through their "issues" sections to see what each had to offer. (I have linked them both if you are intrested in looking at them). You know you can't tell anything from commercials on TV...they're all the same - stating basically "I'm good and my opponent is bad." Geez...save your money. But anyway, their websites have some great info on them.

Honestly, I still didn't know who I was going to vote for before tonight. I am going to vote for sure however, only because I feel that this year could be the year that we make a REAL change in this country (......that is as long as we keep John McCain out of office......seeing as how he would just be a repeat of what we have already had plenty of). ----I've never really cared in past elections who won...I guess I figured they were all the same.

So, I'm happy to say that after looking through both websites that I am planning on voting for Barack Obama. His blueprint for change as well as all of this thoughts and ideas on everything from healthcare to the environment seem so well thought out and detailed, I was completely impressed. I feel like this is someone who could really take charge and make some real changes....not just the same old thing again.

I'm most excited and I hope Barack Obama wins (it's only too bad that Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton are both Democrat....wouldn't that be something if they were running against each other in November and the USA had no choice but to have either a woman or an African-American as president! That would be awesome!)

Go Obama!

Nice Story

2008-05-01T15:46:00.000-07:00

I found this story on another bloggers posting....this is a true story.
This story made me cry (big, wet, drippy tears).............
*please note, this story is not about me or anyone I know...I just found it and thought it was beautiful.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Letter to God
Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:

Dear God,

Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick.

I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her. You will know that she is my dog. I really miss her.

Love,
Meredith

We put the letter in an envelope with this picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God in Heaven.

We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven.
That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet.
I told her that I thought He had.
Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, 'To Meredith, ' in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies.' Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:

Dear Meredith,

Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away.

Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.

Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you.

I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I'm easy to find, I am wherever there is love.

Love,

God

This is one of the kindest things I've ever experienced. I have no way to know who sent it, but there is a beautiful soul working in the dead letter office of the US postal service.

Good News

2008-04-26T14:02:00.001-07:00

Just a quick post with some good news (because I'm supposed to be cleaning right now...).

Hubby did not get laid off work as of yet...it looks good until at least the end of August and probably after due to another workers surgery and possible retirement.

Good news for our next IVF cycle scheduled for September...looks like it's still on.

Fingers crossed!

Payback for ruining the world...

2008-04-25T12:51:00.001-07:00

Well...it's week 5 on my weight loss journey and I'm down 19 lbs. yay. I'm thinking about getting some of these new "FitFlops" from Bath and Body Works...has anyone every worn any before??? Supposedly you can exercise (walk) in them - which is good because I HATE sneakers and socks as they are so hot on my feet - and as an added bonus they are supposed to actually work your muscles out more due to the way they are constructed. I don't know...I have a $10 coupon, maybe I'll drive into Bath and Body and check them out.

New problem has happened though...Hubby is probably getting laid off of work soon (next week). Which sucks for MULTIPLE reasons - the obvious fact of getting laid off would be enough, but the other problem is that his insurance that he currently has helps us in paying for infertility treatments. (Before you get mad and hate me...it does not pay 100%, but it does help quite substantially). So.....now is my dilemma. Our plan was to wait and do the next IVF cycle this September so that I could lose some weight prior and just so we could take a break for mental health reasons. Now...he is "on the bubble" with getting laid off. Meaning, he is the first one that would get called back if they called anyone back or if anyone retired. Supposedly there is a lady there who is just ahead of him w/senority and she is going for neck surgery and will be taking the next 3 months off anyway...after that she is "thinking" about retiring but has not decided for sure yet. So....that means that they may hold her spot for her for the next 3 months until she decides (which means that hubby gets laid off) - or - they may let hubby work in her spot for the next 3 months and then if she comes back after her 3 months off THEN hubby gets laid off. However if that's the case, then in the meantime someone else may retire, who knows, or maybe we'll be in the same boat in 3 months.

Second dilemma...if he does get laid off next week...we can keep our current insurance for 4 months. So do I go ahead and go through another IVF cycle because of the insurance coverage as soon as possible? But then if I do and it's successful, what happens if I have a complicated pregnancy and can't work or worse have lots of medical bills and hubby can't find another good job in the meantime??? I would need to pick up time at work to be able to get insurance or quit my job and go back to the hospital for the insurance (but again...what if I have a problematic preganancy - my fertility specialist already informed me that I would be a "high risk" pregnancy throughout the entire pregnancy). OR do we wait, lose the insurance, hubby gets another job and insurance that will most likely not help with infertility costs (because I know most don't) and then I'm kicking myself becuase we didn't take advantage of this insurance when we could??? (Of course going for an IVF cycle when your getting laid off work doesn't sound like it makes much sense either).

Open for suggestions.
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On a lighter note, I found this post on another bloggers site (it's not forgery if you give credit, right???)

Anyway here it is, it's hilarious:

Feeling stupid?
If you ever have one of those moments where you feel a little bit stupid, just think of these and you'll begin to feel like you're a genius.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."--Miss Alabama, Heather Whitestone, in the 1994 Miss USA Pagent.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."--Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."--A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."--Al Gore, former Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."-- Dan Quayle, former Vice President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."--Department of Social Services, Greenville , SC

"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Feeling smarter yet?

Ruining the world - one ipod shuffle at a time...

2008-04-12T11:05:00.000-07:00

OK - so I thought I was doing a good thing by buying the (RED) version of the ipod shuffle. But now I'm not so sure that buying an ipod (or anything else from apple is so good at all).

This all started when I got an email saying that my shuffle was packaged and on it's way to me via FedEx - so I plugged in the tracking number at FedEx.com and found that my package had left Suzhou, China and was now in Shanghai, China. - Well being married to a 'Union-man' that tries to buy ONLY made in america items when he has the option (which I agree with don't get me wrong...he does go a little overboard sometimes even ordering his blue jeans online to make sure they were made in the united states).

I googled ipod and Suzhou and Shanghai and this is what I found. I found MANY articles like the one from Wired stating that the 'ipod city' as it is called in China only pays their workers anywhere from $50-$100 a month and they must live in the dormatories pictured above and work in sweatshop like conditions. They aren't allowed to have visitors or even many personal belongings and are forced to work 15 hour days.

So now I'm feeling pretty crappy about supporting such a practice. Although, I then stumbled across another little piece of information on the internet (looks like it's from someone's blog) at fixyourthinking.com that basically says that the economy in China now is like that of America in the Great Depression and that people are paid less but that the cost of living is much less. What was even more interesting was a comment to this post written by "KC" a Chinese-American who seemed to have no problem with the way the ipods are made - he states that these types of companies in China give people a chance to make more money in a month than their family can make in a year through farming. He states that there are opportunities for moving up to supervisory positions as well...he says it is just a different world and different environment than in the united states today and people do what they need to do to make a living. He also states that a lot of individuals will work in these types of places, then pool their money and start their own business and factories.

So, I don't know what to think. I think it's rotten that people have to live in conditions that I believe are substandard...but then again I may be living in conditions that other people would think are substandard. I don't know...I know however that there are basic human civil rights that should be upheld everywhere - but, if these rights are being upheld - then who are we to say that another country's practices are wrong as long as the basic rights are upheld and people are entering these working environments through their own free will?

I don't know...it's hard to say how I really feel because I'm not really sure. I wish everyone in America and everyone in the world could experience life the way it is supposed to be and I wish everyone could experience being cared for by their loved ones, friends and their employers. I wish, but I know that is not reality and I know that people have to make hard choices in life about everything. Who knows...if I lived in China and my family members were farmers (or unemployed) and worked hard but still could not make a living - and if I had a chance to go to work in 'ipod city' and send money home to them during these depression like times...I probably would be glad that the option to do that was there. So then, looking at it that way, I feel like a jerk sitting over here in America in my nice house with my nice job criticizing what may be a great opportunity to someone on the opposite side of the world.

I'd be interested to know what anyone else thinks.

Saving the world with an ipod shuffle...

2008-04-11T07:36:00.000-07:00

OK - so I'm not really saving the world. But... I did buy the product(RED) ipod shuffle this morning online (well actually my hubby bought it for me for my birthday - he just doesn't know it yet as he is sleeping in the other room).

I plugged in my (RED) purchase at the product(RED) website and found out that my purchase will provide 41 single-dose (nevirapine) treatments for mother and baby, to prevent the transmission of HIV from mother to child.

Cool.

I also got a pretty cool case for it to keep it in my purse without getting destroyed!

So all in all, I shopped around the internet (e-bay, Apple store and amazon.com) and got the following for a grand total of $110.25:

1-apple ipod shuffle 2GB

1-travel AC charger

1-car charger

1-pink carrying case to hold i-pod and ear buds

1-pink earbud clip to hold extra cord out of the way when working in my garden
1-happy husband that knows he doesn't have to try to find me a birthday gift other than a nice dinner out in July! (and maybe some nice flowers...hint, hint)

I think that's a pretty good deal.

(By the way - my face still feels like hell - damn wisdom teeth).

My Birthday Present......

2008-04-10T18:23:00.000-07:00

My birthday isn't until July 21 but I think that my hubby is going to buy me an early b-day gift! (He doesn't know this yet - but will be delighted as he never knows what to get for me!)

I have been wanting to get an ipod so that when I go walking and stuff for exercise I can have something to listen to - however the choices are ENDLESS! I think actually that I want one of the least expensive ones (the ipod shuffle) because I really don't think I would use all the fancy video features (although a visible play list would be nice). However, I really think that the shuffle will be just right for me.

If anyone has any ipod experience/advice I welcome it as I am making this decision without actually ever seeing a device.

The one I'm looking at is from the Apple Store, and I'm looking that the red ipod shuffle (i like the minty green one better i think) but will probably buy the red one as it is part of the product(RED) line and I really like the idea behind those products.

So anyone with 'ipod experience' let me know what you think. I look forward to comments!

By the way, I have also launched out into the cyber world of facebook & myspace. I did this mostly to catch up with long lost friends/coworkers...but am extending an invitation to any of my bloggie buddies to drop me a line/add to friend list if you are so inclined. Here are the links.

Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/shauna_wagner

Facebook

Wisdom Teeth.....

2008-04-10T14:36:00.001-07:00

I had two wisdom teeth removed yesterday (incredibly my lower right wisdom tooth was impacted an looks freakishly like the one in the photo above that I stumbled across in a google image search).

Anyway - my face feels like someone hit me on the right side of my face with a baseball bat and then cut the inside of my mouth up with a bunch of razors. (I'm feeling a little better today but this is still a pretty accurate description).

I took a vicodin too soon yesterday when I got home (my sedation meds must not have been out of my system yet) and I nearly blacked out in the bathroom - had to lay on the bathroom floor until it passed - such a wiener - can't even tolerate vicodin!

I do miss my solid foods and popcorn! (love popcorn - eat it every night watching TV - low calorie you know. I've found if you put some kernels in a brown paper lunch bag and spray a little Pam on them, fold the top down and put it on the popcorn cycle in the microwave oven - you end up with perfectly popped popcorn for hardly any calories!) The microwave popcorn that you buy in the boxes are LOADED with calories - and it's so much cheaper and easier this way! I think the the microwave popcorn industry doesn't want you to know that you can do this!

Oh well.....jello, pudding and cottage cheese for me! Maybe i'll try some chicken soup tonight.

Not bad at all...

2008-04-04T12:00:00.000-07:00

So the colposcopy (AKA: cervical biopsy) was not bad at all. I felt NO pain! yay!

Anyway, he only found one place that needed biopsied so that's good news...won't find out the results for about 10-14 days though.

(note: the above picture I posted because I thought it was HILARIOUS. It is not a picture of me though, I am so not that cute! It is a picture that was posted on a friend's myspace page from her trip to Vegas - if you can't read the sign that the homeless man is holding it says "Why lie - I need beer.")

Colposcopy tomorrow!!!!

2008-04-03T15:41:00.000-07:00

Not looking forward to the Colposcopy..... (don't know why, I hear it's pretty painless). I'll post tomorrow about how true that is!

A big thanks to Io. She less than 3ed my blog! (How nice is that Io!)

I feel that I would like to return the nice gesture, so I will less than 3 the following:

Ashley: Because she seems so genuinely nice... and I know that someday she will have more than Dog children!

Natalie: Because she just went through hell... and I wish her all the best.

And, Cece: because she is super supportive. She has had a long hard struggle that has resulted in her being preggers! Congrats!

I must add my brother Adam's blog also - you'll find a plethora of funny, witty and insightful infomation there.

*An honorary less than 3 award of course is returned back to Io because she has an AWESOME blog. You feel like her friend when you read it. You're the best!

(*by the way...I just figured out how to put links in my blog. SWEET! )

"Excuse me ma'am... Do you have handcuffs at home?"

2008-04-02T14:55:00.000-07:00

Ok ... so true story. Today I'm at work (I work as a rounding nurse/physician extender in a large Cardiology group in my hometown).

Anyway... We had a patient come for follow up today that happened to be in jail so he was accompanied by a police officer.

As I'm checking my patient out, going over his instructions, the police officer is putting the patient's handcuffs back on. Something like this:

And then the cop (not the inmate) turns to me and says: "So, do you have some handcuffs at home?"

HILARIOUS.

When I think handcuffs, I think of the above picture.

I'm sure Mr. Pervert Cop-man was thinking something more along these lines:

Of course ... my ass looks NOTHING like the above.

Anyway, in some sort of wierd way it actually brightned my day. Call me crazy, maybe it's my old ER nurse ways coming back but I found it quite amusing that an officer (probably at least 15-20 years my senior) had the balls to ask me such a question not knowing if I was a prude that would call his supervisor to report him or not. (lucky for him I'm not).

Anyway, I took a post-Rudy blog break.

I needed some time away from infertility talks... We decided to wait 6 months and try again. Gives me time to mentally recoop as well as I want to lose some weight. (Although my fertility MD told me I can't do anything for exercise except walking in order to get the best quality eggies for next IVF).

So that was 2 weeks ago - I'm down 10 lbs so far... only a zillion left to go... we'll get there and we'll get a baby one day.

I want to return to blogging though - I miss reading everyone's news. But my blog will not be about fertility stuff for the next 5-6 months though...

Probably about daily stuff and weight loss.

I will continue reading all my blog buddies blogs though!

(Oh, I do have to have a colposcopy this Friday though because I've had 3 abnormal pap smears. Fun...)

Goodbye Rudy.

2008-03-12T14:36:00.000-07:00

I had another blood test this morning and my HCG dropped to 24.

Rudy is gone.

I have to have weekly HCG's per my doctor's request until it gets to zero to make certain that Rudy is not ectopic. I'll see the doctor next Thursday to discuss where we go from here.

I realize that I was only barely pregnant...but I have to say that I still felt Rudy's presence within me and I already miss him (or her) terribly. It's funny how we (women) tend to look so far in the future, I already had Rudy (though with a different name after birth - either Gracie or Andy - Rudy was just my "embryonic name"), I already had little Rudy at home with me, learning how to read, visiting his/her grandparents, playing with Maggie the dog, going to school, making friends...I was already picturing Rudy's future life...and now, Rudy is gone.

OK, so I know that the technical lingo is that a pregnancy is not even considered to have a "viable baby" until 20 weeks (I used to work in the ER and when a pregnant woman came in w/abdominal pain we weren't even allowed to send her to L&D unless she was at least 20 weeks because she wasn't "viable" per medical standards, so we treated her in the ER at 20 weeks or less), so I know that's the 'medical rule'... however, my little embryo, however young and undeveloped, still felt like a potential for a very great life and I already miss that.

I know that someday, in some way, we will have children. Whether it's through more IVF or adoption or a combination of both...I will be a Mommy someday.

But right now, today...I miss Rudy terribly.

The best Mom ever...

2008-03-11T15:54:00.000-07:00

My Mom sent me flowers to work today with a card saying:

"Some little kid, one of these days, is going to be really lucky to have you for a Mommy"

She's the best.

Rudy is in a standstill.......

2008-03-10T14:18:00.000-07:00

Rudy is in a standstill (which is bad).
I got my HCG drawn today and it was 32.2 (which is not good seeing as it was 31 on Friday). They had said they wanted it at least 100 by today.

The nurse at my MD's office said that the doctor wants me to stay on the progesterone to give it "one more shot" and get my blood redrawn on Wednesday to see the progress (or lack of progress).

She said that he is pretty confident that my HCG will drop by Wednesday (indicating a miscarriage). She said not to get my hopes up at all. (But he did say he was giving it one more shot, right??? And this is Rudy we're talking about! Maybe he'll prove everyone wrong).

She also said that if my HCG level does not change much on Wednesday (either up or down) then I'll have to have an ultrasound on Thursday to make sure I don't have a tubal pregnancy. (Hopefully Rudy didn't go in the tube - stay away from the tube Rudy!).

Anyway, I'm completely emotionally drained right now. I had absolutely no idea how emotionally draining this was going to be - I knew that it would be tough and I knew going into it that it may not work............ but i was no where near prepared to hear someone say "you're pregnant" and then follow it with "you're going to have a miscarriage."

This just blows.

I just had no idea how hard this was going to be (I know all you out there who have been through this before understand).

I must take a moment and vent or I'm going to explode.......please bear with me:

I get so tired of hearing people (such as at work, etc...) say things like "Oh, I have a friend who went through the EXACT same thing and after they quit IVF they got pregnant on their own!" Well first of all, I doubt they went through the exact same thing, we all have our own experiences......and secondly, just a word of advice to all friends and coworkers of all 'infertiles' out there - if you want to be a good friend, stop telling us about how you know what we're going through because it took you a year to conceive, or because you "know" someone who went through taking Clomid (which I can't comment on because I never took Clomid - we were unfortunately so infertile that we got bumped straight to IVF), and please stop telling us that if we change our diets or get accupuncture we will get pregnant. And for heaven's sake...... PLEASE stop telling us to "just relax and it'll happen naturally"...that's the worst of all. But, to all friends and coworkers of women like us out there who can't conceive on their own, if you have a legitimate personal experience or story, or you want to just provide support without babymaking advice please do so, it is always welcome.

I don't want to sound ungrateful to any support because I'm not. I have a core group of really supportive coworkers without whom I couldn't get through the day - they cover me to take phone calls about lab results, they cover me so I can get ultrasounds and blood drawn, they cover me for appointments, they give me a shoulder to cry on. So please don't think I am in any way ungrateful, because I'm not. I am blessed to have the people (family, friends, coworkers, blog buddies) in my life that I do.... couldn't do it without all of them.

I am just venting my frustration about those who you cringe when they come to you because you know that they have more "helpful advice." All you girls reading this know what I'm talking about.... I actually have had some of them leave newspaper clippings about infertility and accupuncture, etc... on my desk at work! Can you believe it, if there's anyone who does not need babymaking advice, and if there's anyone who has "tried it all" - it would be ANYONE going through any sort of assisted reproductive therapy. We don't need advice on how to get there naturally, trust me we've tried it all.... the problem is that we can't get there naturally or we wouldn't be going through all this crap! It just frustrates me so much is when people take your situation and turn it around to make it about themselves, their friends, their experiences... whatver. I hope this reads well and does not make me out to sound ungrateful (because I'm the exact opposite of ungrateful).

I hope I'm not coming off like a B*tch but I just had to vent because it's all building up inside, I can feel all the tension inside and that can't be a good environment for Rudy to grow in.

Here's a thank you to all of my new blog buddies for reading and sending your comments, experiences and support. You guys have been awesome. It's so nice to have communications with people who totally understand how all this feels.

*ps....even though the doctor's office told me not to be very hopeful or optimistic, I'm going to hold on to a shread of hope that Rudy may survive.... because you never know.

Here's to Rudy!

My embryo's name is Rudy......

2008-03-07T12:02:00.000-08:00

I just decided I'm going to call my embryo Rudy after the character in the movie Rudy.
My little embryo has all the odds stacked against it and everyone telling it that it's not going to make it, but I believe that it's a fighter (like the kid in Rudy) and will be on top in the end.

I just talked to the nurse at my doctor's office....
She said my HCG is up from 14.4 on Wednesday to 31 today. So it's doubled like it's supposed to.
However, she was quick to say this was not hopeful. WHAT?! I thought doubling was good!

She said doubling was good but that since it is still only at 30 that is very low and she said I will "probably lose it soon and your level will probably be down on Monday." How's that for optimistic? She said that I would need to have a significant HCG spike for it to be a good sign.... or see a heartbeat. What????? That is like light-years away..........

She also said that they have only had one person have a HCG as low as mine and actually end up with a baby.

Whatever. I know from my own nursing career that medical professionals are VERY BAD at predicting the future and I'm hoping that holds true in the case of Rudy the embryo. I'm going to just keep cheering Rudy on until he/she gets stronger and attaches and gives a Kick-Ass HCG level that I can flaunt in front of the IVF nurse and say: We are the SECOND ones who will make it through with a low starting HCG - so there!

(ps. the caption on the Rudy picture says "when people say dreams don't come true, tell them about Rudy" - how appropriate).

Andy Warhol's stupid moment.....

2008-03-07T08:11:00.000-08:00

I googled "waiting" to try and find an image to describe how I feel always waiting for an answer with these fertility treatments. If you've read my blog you know that this morning was yet another blood draw... this time to see if my HCG is going up or down. Basically to tell me if I have miscarried or if I possibly have a slight chance at an early pregnancy.

What I found when I googled the word "waiting" and selected images was this print by Andy Warhol. I had to post it because as ANY woman (or man) dealing w/infertility will tell you.... the wait does NOT enhance the excitement of the process.

Maybe waiting to buy a car or a new stove or even a pair of shoes would be more exciting with anticipation and waiting..... but not this constant wait of infertility treatments!

"...Oh no, you can't start treatment this month because you have left over follicles, you have to do birth control pills for another month and then try again...."
"...Come back tomorrow, and then the next day, and then the next day and so on... for more ultrasounds and blood work until your follicles are just perfect...."
"...Wait to call until after 2pm to find out results..."
"...Wait 2 weeks after the embryo transfer to have the HCG drawn to see if you're pregnant..."
"...HCG was too low, but still positive so we don't know.... come back in 48 hours to have it redrawn..."
"...Remember to wait until after 2pm to call for results..."

Andy Warhol didn't know SHIT about waiting.

I guess Andy Warhol never really understood waiting like individuals dealing with infertility treatments understand waiting. Guess he just waited for silly things that needed to be made more exciting by the anticipation of the wait.

Waiting for tests day to day and answers and what-if's day to day does not make it "more exciting" just more excruciating.

What the infertility treatment "waiting" does is take away your present. You have a lessened enjoyment of the present as you are always living in the future and what could possibly happen.
So Andy Warhol.... I have to say that on this idea ..... you are completely, 100%, without a doubt WRONG.

I know this sounds angry.... I'm not angry..... just frustrated, tired and emotionally empty. Thanks to all who have posted support on my blog.

I will post later today w/my blood test results.... hopefully I will know by then if i'm pregnant or not. *Of course, the answer will probably be just to wait a little longer and get rechecked :)

'Kind of pregnant'

2008-03-05T15:27:00.001-08:00

I went for my HCG level this morning (in a winter storm - with a winter storm advisory out) before work - My results???????

My HCG level is 14.4 - so the NP at my MD's office said that it should be between 60-100 at this point so it's VERY low she said. However, she also said that technically anything over 6 is 'pregnant.'

So i was telling a co-worker this and she said, "you know... you always hear people say 'you can't be 'kind of pregnant'- but, she says, I think you ARE a 'kind of pregnant'."
I thought this was pretty amusing at the time as I am totally emotionally drained from this whole process.... and now I'm told to come back in 48 hours for another HCG level.

So basically I still don't know if I'm pregnant or not.

She said that maybe the embryo's implanted and then I possibly lost them and now my HCG level is on it's way down so we need to recheck to see if it's going down.

She also said that maybe they just implanted late or did not implant well and will take more time. She did say however that it was "not promising" but I did get her to say that it was "possible."

So I guess that 14.4 is better than 0 at this point.

Mistake

2008-02-29T07:36:00.000-08:00

I made a mistake today.

I took a home pregnancy test (which was negative -DAMN).

I know am not supposed to do this as "it may be inaccurate" during the two week wait, but I couldn't help it. Now even though I know it is possibly inaccurate, I am still bummed out at this negative result.

I have another one (preg test) at home and knowing me I won't be able to just wait until my blood test on Wednesday 3/5, I'll probably have to do another one in a couple days and then if it's still negative I'll be extremely bummed out. Maybe I'll be compliant and wait..... probably not.

This whole thing is driving me a little crazy.

I mean..... Teenagers have been getting knocked-up for centuries- why can't I?

Brittney Spears and even her little sister who probably still lives with her parents can all get knocked up and be parents. Why can't the people who have homes, jobs and have prepared their lives physically, financially, spiritually and mentally for babies get pregnant?

(I know, this sounds like a pity party but I guess I'm riding the progesterone pity train today) - the horomones kind of 'enhance' my feelings so that they are hard to hide.

Feeling Better

2008-02-28T08:57:00.000-08:00

Feeling better today.

I have to wait until 3/5 to see if i'm pregnant so I'm just passing the time.

Gave maggie a bath today! that wasn't very fun but she smells like a princess now.

(Attached is a picture of the newly clean maggie dog chewing a new nyla bone as a treat!)

Will probably go shopping w/mom this weekend - which is always a lot of fun, one of my favorite things to do. We find cool little stores and spend the day together, I wish we had a baby to bring along!

Then will probably have dinner/movie night w/Greg on Sunday. Well see. I've been wanting to see Juno, the preview looks REALLY funny.

depressed and bloated

2008-02-27T20:22:00.001-08:00

feeling depressed and bloated today.

progesterone level was too low so now MORE progesterone has been added. yay.

still drinking tons of liquids as instructed to ward off Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome - probably the root of the bloated feeling.

tomorrow will be a better day i'm sure.

Embryo Transfer

2008-02-26T07:10:00.000-08:00

4 day old embryo

Well~ on Saturday 2/23/08 I had 2 embryos transfered which will hopefully develop into at least one beautiful baby. They both had ICSI as well as Assisted Hatching which I understand increased the likelyhood of identical twins - which means that I could end up with 1 or 2 babies, or 3 or 4 babies (which is not likely per my fertility specialist who says that this would be the 'rarest of the rare' and reminds me that there is only a 40% success rate with this procedure and that is with getting only one baby out of this whole deal).

So whatever, I know I shouldn't get my hopes up too much but I can't help it, it's only human. I won't know if I'm even "pregnant" until the blood test on Wednesday 3/5/08 - What's that? I have two embroys inside me - that seems pregnant to me! (I understand the whole attaching thing, but I can't help but feel that there are two potential lives in me so in my warped little world - that feels pregnant).

2008-02-18T14:43:00.000-08:00

Egg retreival this WEDNESDAY! Woo Hoo!

Waiting.......

2008-02-16T13:50:00.000-08:00

Waiting for the doctor to call ultrasound and lab results to me (the ultrasound tech told me that my follicles are ALMOST ready - maybe a day or so more medications then everythings moves forward!) yay!

I have to brush up on all my post-procedure instructions, it's been a while since i've read them.

Hope to have some good news to post!

The journey continues...

2008-02-15T18:35:00.001-08:00

Had another ultrasound today - found out that things are developing quickly and I am to have another ultrasound in the morning. (Looks like daily ultrasounds and bloodwork now until the egg retrieval which they say will probably be in a couple days).

I'm feeling quite bloated and uncomfortable, having headaches and am REALLY fatigued. (I feel like a lazy bum). Other than that, no side effects. :)

Anyway, it's 9:30 pm and I'm off to bed (have to be in for ultrasound at 7:30am and then straight off to work). Hoping for good news.

Found a really cool blog today from a girl dealing w/infertility also. Pretty amusing. Link below. (I wish I would have thought up such a cool name for my blog: "Who shot my stork?" - very witty).
http://damnthatstork.blogspot.com/

Really fatigued.....

2008-02-14T19:45:00.000-08:00

I am currently on day 7 of injections in my IVF cycle. Hopefully soon there will be some mature eggs and then I'll go through egg retreival and hopefully embryo transfer! (Then hopefully an uncomplicated pregnancy). Will continue to think positively and plan for baby Gracie.

Really getting fatigued using these IVF medications (Follistim, Ganirelix, Menopur...). Injections are 3 times a day now. So far headaches and extreme fatigue are the only side effects I am noticing. I can't even stay awake when I'm watching a TV show, I am constantly falling asleep. Oh well, whatever it takes.

Have been searching the internet for helpful IVF sites, can't find any really good forums or places where you can have conversations with other women going through the same thing.... I'll keep searching.

Here's a good general website though:
https://simplyivf.com/Home.php

Test

2008-02-13T15:20:00.000-08:00

Just testing to see if this really works.